Hey Facebook, My Husband And I Do Not Need A ‘Couples’ Page

dislikeEveryone who lists a relationship status on their Facebook profile, please take a second and visit your new Couples page created for you by the social media giant. Just type “facebook.com/us” into a new window. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Look at that. Facebook decided that your love was so powerful, it just couldn’t be separated into two different social media accounts. They wanted you and your partner to have something special, something you could share. So they gathered together everything that you’ve ever been tagged in together and they made it into a nice little page for you.

Even better. Now you and your partner can customize your couple’s page. You can share it with friends and family. You can make your own little tribute to your amazing relationship on the internet for everyone to see. Then when you’re done, you can stalk the “Friendship” pages of your partner and see what they’re saying to everyone else. I like how Facebook suggested that I look at the pages of my husband and his three closest female friends first.

The best thing about these nice little relationship pages is that they aren’t even optional. Facebook didn’t ask anyone. They just decided that you and your partner needed to share a social media space, and they didn’t leave their users any options to turn the things off. (Believe me, I’ve been looking.) Also, you and every random person you might be friends with could now have a “Friendship” page. Every picture that tags both of you, every message posted on your friend’s wall, it’s all there together. A testament to… what? Internet acquaintance? A shared life of “Happy Birthday’s” and your mutual like of Target?

At first, I thought that these pages were just an option for those who really wanted to create a couples page. I thought the things would be super annoying, but that I could just unsubscribe from anyone who got a little over zealous immortalizing their love on social media. Some people do that already, now they would just have a new tool. When I first heard about the Couples pages, I rolled my eyes and thought that every friend who already speaks in “we’s” would get excited. Then hopefully the nonsense would die down.

Then I realized that Facebook decided to turn me into one of those couples without my permission. Now I’m a little upset. I realize their stocks are falling and they want to introduce a new feature that would get people to waste time on Facebook like they used to, but this is extreme. Even for the company that making stalking your ex’s and old friends from high school socially acceptable, suggesting that I review all my husband friendships with other women is a little much.

Facebook had better put an “Option Out” button on this feature fast. I feel like I can’t be the only person whose more than a little annoyed that they created relationship pages for me. I would suggest that we all just quit, but who am I kidding? We’re not going to quit Facebook. But we are going to resent it a little more. And if there’s one thing I know about the internet, it’s that every click counts. Resentment leads to a lot less clicks very quickly.

(Photo: Mert Hüroglu/Shutterstock)

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