The Most Extraordinary Names Of 2013, And How Cats Would React To Being Given Them

The most extraordinary names of 2013 were truly extraordinary. I don’t like to make fun of what people name their kids, because who the hell am I to judge anyone? So instead of trying to imagine how kids feel about their extraordinary names – I projected the names onto the most honest, brutal beings alive – cats – and imagined how they would respond to these monikers.

1. Summer-Ray

Each new day and the warmth of the sun on my skin will be a reminder of what a dipshit you are.

2. Purdy

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It’s “pretty.” Pretty, you morons. If you’d pause Hee-Haw long enough to read a dictionary you’d know that. I hate you.

3. Nirvana

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I better be named after the coolest band to emerge from the 90’s and not a fucking glossary term from the Deepak Chopra book she’s reading right now.

4. Bramwell

Bramwell, come here kitty! NO.

5. Ream

Seriously?

6. Lohan

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So, I guess you’re begging for me to gorge on catnip and eat my young.

7. Pinky

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They couldn’t figure out whether to name me after the dumb one in their favorite movie (Grease) or the whole damn clan of satin jacket wearing idiots – so they merged the two. I’m full of hate.

8. Vogue

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I’ve never liked Madonna and Anna Wintour seems like an insufferable bitch – so thanks for this.

9. Puppy

You took the most regal of all animals and named it after a butt sniffing, people-pleasing simpleton? Good work.

10. Victory

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Ever heard of setting someone up to fail?