The Most Extraordinary Names Of 2013, And How Cats Would React To Being Given Them

The most extraordinary names of 2013 were truly extraordinary. I don’t like to make fun of what people name their kids, because who the hell am I to judge anyone? So instead of trying to imagine how kids feel about their extraordinary names – I projected the names onto the most honest, brutal beings alive – cats – and imagined how they would respond to these monikers.

1. Summer-Ray

Each new day and the warmth of the sun on my skin will be a reminder of what a dipshit you are.

2. Purdy

It’s “pretty.” Pretty, you morons. If you’d pause Hee-Haw long enough to read a dictionary you’d know that. I hate you.

3. Nirvana

I better be named after the coolest band to emerge from the 90’s and not a fucking glossary term from the Deepak Chopra book she’s reading right now.

4. Bramwell

Bramwell, come here kitty! NO.

5. Ream

Seriously?

6. Lohan

So, I guess you’re begging for me to gorge on catnip and eat my young.

7. Pinky

They couldn’t figure out whether to name me after the dumb one in their favorite movie (Grease) or the whole damn clan of satin jacket wearing idiots – so they merged the two. I’m full of hate.

8. Vogue

I’ve never liked Madonna and Anna Wintour seems like an insufferable bitch – so thanks for this.

9. Puppy

You took the most regal of all animals and named it after a butt sniffing, people-pleasing simpleton? Good work.

10. Victory

Ever heard of setting someone up to fail?