Everyone Wants A Hot Wife, As Long As They’re Not ‘Too Hot’

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A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that her husband asked her not to wear such tight-fitting clothes. And this after they’d been married for all of two months. Now, my friend is gorgeous and has a body that reminds me of the Jessica Rabbit line “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn this way.” She was not pleased. If anything, she said, such a request only made her want to dress more provocatively.

Even though my mom is a pastor’s wife, she has always had a strong sense of style. And my dad, God bless him, has always encouraged her to dress as she sees fit — high heels and short skirts and all. So that’s how I was raised. My own husband errs on the side of not actually noticing what I’m wearing as opposed to telling me what to wear. We had a major breakthrough last week (after five years of marriage, mind you) when he told me that there was a tear on the back of my dress. It practically made me cry that he noticed what I was wearing. (Don’t worry, he affirms me in many other ways!)

Anyway, even though I’m completely unfamiliar with the idea of a husband telling his wife what to wear or how to present herself, I actually sort of understood what the husband was saying. And, further, I thought my friend should try to work with him. Why? Because what we wear says a lot about what we want others to think of us. Fashion is important and should be thought through. Obviously most of that is an individual issue. But in the same way that you wouldn’t want your husband wearing sweats to a job interview at a bank or the hipster-ironic-crude T-shirt he picked up in Key West when he’s visiting your grandmother, it’s not unreasonable that — should someone need guidance — they might get it from their spouse. I’m sure there are a few women who haven’t, at times, suggested their husband wear different shoes or a better shirt, but probably not many.

In the case of my friend, she was pretty sure he simply wanted her to be more modest and covered up than she was in their dating years. What’s hilarious about this is that it was of course her hotness that first attracted him to her. So if that’s what he likes in her, why in the world would he want it covered up? Talk about a classic bait and switch, eh? Why not show her off to all of his friends, proudly noting that he was the only guy who was good enough to land her? I kind of wish he would take that approach.

But I got a clue about this phenomenon from an encounter the other day at my gym. I heard two dudes talking about an attractive young woman we work out with. This is Crossfit so we tend to see the same people at the same classes. Anyway, apparently she’s married, which was news to me. Somehow I didn’t notice any ring on her finger while our instructor was yelling at us do as many reps as possible in 20 minutes … of 10 burpee box jumps and 10 sandbag clean and jerks and 200 meter rows after a Wendler round. But also, she in no way acts like she’s married. I mean, she acts like she is on the hunt for a dude. She’s very flirtatious and she dresses in about as suggestive a way as is possible at the gym.

So they didn’t know I could hear them but the one guy says he wouldn’t want a wife like her. And the other dude was all “Are you kidding? She is BANGING.” At which point the first dude was all, “Yeah, that’s the problem. She has it all out there and she acts like she’s not satisfied at home.”

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