A Devout EC Mom Tells Mommyish What The Press Is Getting Wrong

elimination communicationPostpartum doula and lactation counselor Sarah Longwell-Stevens is a stay-at-home mother of two. Among many other parenting accolades, including being an early childhood education specialist and a certified babywearing educator, Sarah is an advocate of elimination communication (EC) — a childrearing practice in which parents learn to read baby’s cues that it’s time for potty without relying solely on diapers.

She has been recently quoted in the now highly clickable DNAinfo.com piece, espousing the virtues of this ”au natural parenting trend” that is allegedly sweeping through Brooklyn. But Sarah tells Mommyish that the press’s depiction of her as a deranged helicopter mom is all wrong — as is the sensationalizism of EC. Turns out EC parents do use diapers, claim that there is less cleanup, and overall less potty training struggle. Sarah admits that she too initially thought the tactic was “batshit” and nearly gave up herself. Oh, and she also doesn’t let her kids poop and pee all over Brooklyn.

How did you first come to hear about EC? What were your initial reactions?

A friend told me her sister didn’t believe in diapers.  I said “well, you can not believe in them all you want but they are a necessary fact of life.”  When she explained I thought it was interesting but also batshit crazy.  I get that it sounds insane.  I also get that it is really hard to wrap your head around.  I decided to try it just to see if it would really work.  But when my 6-week-old started telling me he needed to pee and then holding it long enough for me to take off his diaper and take him into the bathroom I was amazed and we kept going.

How long have you been practicing EC? 

I started EC when my first was six weeks old.  I have EC’d both children since they were newborns. My son has been potty trained since about 20 months  My daughter is now 20 months and out of diapers at home, though we still use them out of the house as she is less predictable (or I am more distracted) and I don’t want to be covered in pee.  She usually only poops at home in the potty.

Have you always been a SAHM?

I have been a stay-at-home mom and worked part time outside of the home since my son was born.  My husband works full time.  We sent my son to daycare and have had sitters for both children.  I did mention to his daycare that he was potty trained but they never believed us (he was 14 months) and we never pressed the issue — he was in diapers full time there and they came off when we picked him up.  When he started preschool a little before age two the director of the school was Indian and thrilled that he was potty trained.  She was familiar with EC from her upbringing in India.

Did you have any initial struggles with EC?

Anything with kids has its struggles.  But especially when you are doing something different than the norm because there is no one to ask for help when things are confusing.  I was sort of going blind with my son, just doing what worked and dropping what didn’t.  With my daughter it has been so easy because I don’t make it an elaborate deal.  Mostly I made it hard the first time trying to be perfect at it instead of just letting it fit into my daily life in a way that was comfortable.

What are some of the biggest misconceptions about EC?  

That everything will be covered in urine and feces and that it is going to overwhelm your life.  In reality I think because of EC I have dealt with a lot less pee and poop than I would otherwise.  I’ve never had a kid go during a diaper change. I’ve had exactly two poopy blowouts and both were before I was EC’ing.  I’ve had months where I haven’t changed a single poopy diaper.   And from 12-18 months on, the majority of my kids’ waste has gone down the potty–that’s a lot of diapers I haven’t had to change!  It doesn’t overwhelm my life because it just fits in.

 What have other outlets failed to capture about EC?

They all make it sound like EC is simply taking off the diapers and letting your child pee and poop wherever they like.  This is simply not true and crazy–who wants to be covered in pee and poop?  EC is the idea that babies can communicate about their needs to eliminate from birth.  Not only can they communicate but they can wait some amount of time to actually eliminate.  So EC’d babies are not just leaking all over the place.  They are holding their pee and poop until they get to the potty and putting it there rather than using a diaper as a portable latrine.  Because of this, EC parents generally have a clear idea about when their babies are going to go and can plan accordingly to make sure they are near a bathroom when they need it, exactly like parents of potty trained 3-, 4-, and 5-year-olds.  Because babies do pee much more frequently than older children, most babies wear diapers in case a bathroom is not available or a cue is missed by the parent.

 Is it accurate to say that EC is a “new parenting trend”?

EC is also not a recent trend and it is not just Brooklyn moms.  Moms across the country and planet do this.  Many of our grandmothers did it.  I have friends whose parents did it.  I have heard of it firsthand in recent history in the US, Russia, England, Poland, China, India.  It used to just be called toilet training.  The average age of training was at one point before the introduction of disposable diapers 12 months.  Now we potty train at three so this seems like a really foreign concept.  But having your child put their pee and poop in a toilet where it belongs is not only more hygienic but ultimately way less work for the parents.

Contrary to public perception, EC parents do use diapers, correct?

Most EC parents I know have their kids wearing diapers most if not all of the time.  The only difference is they aren’t USING them as portable toilets. They are using the actual toilet instead.  Most EC parents give their kids some diaperless time, mostly at home.   No one wants to go to a restaurant or a store and have their kid accidently pee.

When I’m transitioning my children out of diapers I always have a spare diaper on me to put on them if I’m worried about an accident.  Just like any potty training parent I would never have my kid sit in a restaurant or any public place until I was completely sure that they could do so without having an accident.  Who wants to deal with that?   Diapers are super useful and convenient and I use them.  But I just work to help my babies put their waste in the toilet where it should go instead of in their pants.

What products do you deem essential for successful EC?

A baby and an interested parent.  You really don’t NEED anything, which it is why this is how children have been cared for for thousands of years.  There are some nice things to have of course.  Like a little potty they can sit on.  I like a potty insert so I don’t have anything to clean afterwards.  But we have a few potties so they can be more independent and take themselves.  Some absorbent things to use as diapers or for a little baby to lay on so you can watch for cues.

Would you recommend EC to other parents?

It’s not for everyone!  Nothing is.  But I definitely recommend it to parents who are interested.  Having been through the whole arc of baby to potty training, I can say I definitely loved getting to traditional potty training age and finding my work was almost done while most of the parents around me were trying to figure out where to begin.  Both kids have some foods that cause them to lose control of their pee.  I don’t think I ever would have figured that out if it hadn’t been for EC and my son would probably still be eating those foods and staying in diapers, at least at night.

What mistakes do you find parents often make when approaching EC?

We always want to make something a win or lose game.  We want to be perfect.  Parents tend to get focused on the idea that they have to get everything in the potty (instead of in the diaper).  That can make you crazy.  I always tell people to check in with their goals.  What are they?  EC is really more about communicating about needs rather than potty training per se.

My goals have never been to have a diaperless baby.  I just wanted the potty to be something that was always a part of their lives instead of something I tried to introduce at the age where they are the most contrary.  Everything else is a bonus.  It’s great that I’ve had to change fewer diapers and deal with less poop.  But mostly it just made potty training into a really minimal thing.  I’ve never had to figure out how to convince them what the potty is FOR.  They have always known.  It just becomes a gradual transition of shifting the responsibility of getting there from me to them.

Do you know any parents who have given up on EC? If so, what are their reasons?

Sure!  The reasons are varied.  Usually they get to potty training and regret having given up but usually it was the right choice for that family at that time.  I actually gave up with both kids at some point.  With my son because I very seriously hurt my back and being home alone with him was enough of a challenge.  Getting him to the potty was too much (I really couldn’t even lift him).  When my daughter was born she had a lot of problems nursing and it was a big adjustment for all of us to having two children.  I decided when she was about a month old that I wasn’t going to EC her.  It just felt like too much.  But both of those times we came back to EC.  It just felt gross to have them going in their diaper all the time when I knew there was another way, one that also involved less cleanup for me.

Why do you think the press is so quick to categorize EC parents as crazy helicopter parents?

Perhaps it also looks controlling?  Or about being able to brag that your child is potty trained at three months?  But it really isn’t.  It is really child-led pottying and all about following your child and their cues and their readiness.  The only difference between this and conventional potty training in the end is the idea that children can do this from birth rather than waiting till they are three.  That, and it usually doesn’t require any bribery with sticker charts or M&M’s because why do you need to bribe a child to do something they have always done?

I think there is a widespread illusion that as a parent you can choose not to deal with pee and poop by slapping on a disposable diaper and being done with ituntil potty training.  So then EC seems like some weird obsession over your precious little baby’s pee and poop. But parenting is messy no matter how you look at it and no one is prizing poop or pee here.  The diapers eventually come off of all of the babies and the process looks similar no matter when you do it.  It’s really the same amount of effort either way.  Only, with EC, instead of concentrating all that work into a two-month period I spread it all out gradually over two years.  And we wound up a year ahead of the game when it came to having potty trained children.  In the end EC seems to involve less effort from me rather than more.

As a culture we have evolved this idea that waste just leaks out of babies unpredictably.  Since we just diaper them we don’t really know any differently; we have no alternate developmental models and we generally don’t consider the development of non-western babies.  Conventional ideas about potty readiness are all based on observing diapered babies.  But my son met all those guidelines at six months, except he couldn’t pull his pants up and down.  Anyway, if your assumption is that it all just leaks out then of course you are going to think that in order for this to work you must do nothing but sit and stare at your baby all day.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  It can be really simple and actually be less effort than having to change a diaper.

I read your blog post where you said that the DNAinfo.com reporter misquoted you on babies going to the bathroom outside. Please elaborate and clarify.

My full quote was “Sometimes the thrill of being able to go outside and pee is just what they need!  Alas  the city makes that difficult for most.” It is common potty training advice to just turn your kids loose in your backyard.  I’ve heard it from many grandmothers and read it all over the internet.  But obviously this is disrespectful and problematic if you don’t own the property your kids are peeing all over.

Contrary to what the authors made it seem, I do NOT take my kids to pee all over the city, and certainly not poop.  If I am caught without a potty nearby (usually in a park) I always have a diaper on me and will just have my child pee into the diaper. That is what they are for!  She just doesn’t need to sit in it.

The restaurant story was also incorrect:

”The other day we accidentally left the house without putting her in a diaper before going to a restaurant,” Longwell-Stevens said. ”We peed her on the sidewalk, but she wouldn’t go. Then we tucked a pre-fold [cloth diaper] under her [at the restaurant table]. We were in a place where we didn’t want her to go and we didn’t want people talking about it.”

Here is the actual story:  We accidently left the house without putting her in a diaper yes.  She was close to 100 percent with using the potty at home so we decided to try it.  Every newly potty trained kid has their first great adventure out of the house!  At one point on our walk, and of course far from any bathroom, she said she had to pee.  So I held her over a diaper on the sidewalk by the curb but she didn’t go.  When we went into the restaurant I took her to the bathroom where she still didn’t go.  I knew she was going to pee soon but was being toddler contrary.   I wasn’t going to risk an accident so we put the diaper ON her while we were eating.  That was a rare incident and one that taught us that this child wasn’t ready to be out of the house without a diaper!

The point of that story was not to discuss where and how I take my child to go pee in public.  Rather to explain how I do use diapers.  How sometimes I know my daughter is going to pee and she, in all her toddler wisdom, vehemently says NO.  And so in those moments I throw a diaper on her.  Because it’s about the communication more than the elimination.

(photo: Roblan / Shutterstock)

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