Super F**kin’ Easy Recipe: Vegan, No-Bake Chocolate Cookies That Don’t Taste Like Garbage

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No bake oatmeal cookiesRecently I found myself tasked with bringing a dessert to a kids’ party where all food needed to be parve and peanut-free, which sent me into a Google tailspin for dairy-free, allergy-friendly recipes that were both easy and delicious. You see, I have the cooking skills of a Neanderthal but expect everything I eat to taste like it was born at the hands of Ina Garten. In short, I’m an a-hole.

But I came across this recipe on a site called The Curvy Carrot, and it was so f**king easy and required a minimal tweak to make it peanut-free that I went for it, and the result was a batch of cookies I eagerly shoved in my mouth without flinching. The best part: YOU DO NOT NEED TO BAKE THEM. All you need is a fridge and a dream. F**CK YES.


  • 1/2 cup light agave nectar (You could also use honey if you eat the stuff. I do.)
  • 1/2 cup coconut oil
  • 1/2 cup cocoa powder
  • 2 cups rolled oats
  • 1 cup almond butter (Or peanut butter, if everyone’s free of allergies. I’m sure that’s f**king insanely good, too.)
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • Optional: Coconut flakes, if you like that sort of thing. I used 1/2 cup sweetened flakes, but if you’re one of those healthy types, I’m sure unsweetened would be delish too.
  • Optional, Part 2: Dump some chocolate chips in there. If you’re doing the vegan, parve thing just make sure they’re dairy free. Either way: Moar chocolateeeeez.

Now dump the agave, coconut oil, and cocoa into a pot and stir it up over medium heat on your oven. Get it up to a boil, and let it boil for 2 minutes. Don’t burn it. That is the only way you could mess this up.

Take the chocolate oil goop off the heat and mix in oats, almond butter, vanilla extract and optional coconut flakes. Mix it up. Get your aggression out. Now take a big spoonful and put it in your mouth. It’s delicious just like this.

Put some wax paper on a cookie sheet and use a spoon to drop blobs of the cookie mixture onto the wax paper.

Let tray of cookies sit on your kitchen counter for a bit. Drool. Check Facebook.

Shove the cookie pan in your fridge and let the cookies cool. I dunno, maybe for an hour. Or overnight. Whenever they’re hard. (LOLOL, sorry).

Then: Eat. Enjoy. The ingredients are all reasonably healthy, so scarf down all of them in one sitting if you want. Please think of me and know I’m doing the same thing at that very moment.

Check out other Super F**kin’ Easy Recipes: 

(Photo: via)