Super F**king Easy Recipes: Beans, Greens, And A S**tload Of Bacon

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frazzled mom in kitchenIt’s Friday, and for some godforsaken reason, those of us who do the household cooking are still going to be expected to provide our families with food tonight. But don’t worry: there’s hope for even the most harried mother of relentless toddlers, or the dad whose pre-driving-age teens are enrolled in every extracurricular activity known to mankind, and that hope is a super fucking easy, fast, foolproof recipe.

Do you like beans? Do you like greens? Who cares: this meal mostly tastes like the metric shitload of bacon it contains. Plus, it’s a one-dish meal with minimal ingredients (half of which can be substituted for whatever the hell you actually have on hand), it’s delicious, and it’s the kind of thing you can make even if you failed your seventh grade Home Economics class. Are you ready? Good, because we need to assemble some …


  • 1 bunch of chard. No, not the lettuce. What are you doing with the kale? Put that down. Spinach? No, that’s not the–wait, is that on sale? Okay, you know what, spinach is fine.
  • 2 cans of beans. Anything but string beans will do. Black, kidney, or pinto are great, and if you’re having trouble deciding, be advised that you can sometimes find canned beans with a pop-top lid. No can opener required, which is good, because you probably don’t remember which drawer it’s stashed in anyway.
  • 1 can of tomatoes. Or if you’re feeling ambitious, you could chop a couple of the real things. HAHAHA! Just kidding.
  • Bacon. All of the bacon.
  • 1 can of chipotle peppers in adobo sauce.


The bacon needs to be cut into half-inch or so pieces. You can either spend five minutes trying to find a clean kitchen knife, give up and wash a dirty one from the dishwasher, and then struggle to cut slimy, sticky bacon slices with it; or you can do as I do and cut the bacon with a pair of scissors. We don’t all have super fancy chef-level chopping skills, but most of us passed kindergarten. (If you need to use safety scissors still, be my guest.) When it’s cut, throw it in the biggest skillet you’ve got at medium heat and let it cook till it renders. That looks like a lot of bacon, doesn’t it? Good. Bacon makes everything more delicious, so scientifically speaking, the most delicious food in the universe is the biggest stack of bacon it’s possible to cram into your mouth at once.

While the bacon is busy doing its thing, decide how brave you feel. Take anywhere from 1-4 chipotle peppers out of their can and chop them into teeny pieces. Or, if you’re feeling lazy or rushed, skip the peppers themselves and just grab a big spoonful of the adobo sauce they’re sitting in. Peppers or sauce, add it to the bacon pan – you’ll get a nice spicy, smoky flavor either way.

Go ahead and open the cans of beans, pour them into a colander, and rinse them till they’re not disgusting salt-bombs any more. While the beans are draining, open the can of tomatoes too and drain off the excess liquid. We’re not making soup here, people.

Is the bacon done cooking yet? Well, whenever that happens, throw the beans and tomatoes in there with it. That shit just has to warm up. Stir everything periodically, and when you think it’s getting hot, go ahead and throw the chard, I mean spinach in there, too. (If it’s baby spinach it’s fine as is; if it’s big leaves or if you do end up with chard, kale, or some other mysterious greens, cut the leaves from the stems and into bite-size pieces first. And wash it! This should go without saying, but E. coli is not one of the intended condiments for this meal.)

When the spinach starts to wilt, congratulations! You have made a meal, and it only took you about 10 minutes. Serve it over store-bought cornbread, or make your own artisanal loaf from scratch if you want to make the rest of us look bad. (Did anyone else ever notice that the word “artisanal” says “anal” in it? Oh my god. I can’t stop looking at that word.) Or if you have leftover tortillas in the fridge, serve this as burritos. Or eat it over the sink. We’re not here to judge; we’re here to share super fucking easy recipes.

(Image: Ollyy/Shutterstock)