Divorce Envy: Mothers Who Are Jealous Of Their Divorced Friends’ Free Time

divorce envyIf the great saying goes that you can have three out of four: Marriage, Family, Career, and Self, married and employed mothers generally know which card they forfeited. The upkeep of a partnership, a home, and of course a child generally doesn’t leave much room at the end of the day for anything else. But for divorced mothers who have the luxury of a co-parenting ex, their weekends away from their children can read like spa vacations to some of their overworked, married counterparts. The passing of a divorced woman on her way to meet friends for coffee or enjoy a yoga class child-free can incite only one sentiment: divorce envy.

Jana, a full-time working married mother of a 1-year-old girl, tells Mommyish that divorce envy is common among her married friends. Although she admittedly has a very involved husband, she empathizes with the feeling.

“They are envious of the ‘me time’ that married mothers so often forgo for the health and happiness of their spouse and children,” she observes. “I get it, because I see so many women having to juggle the needs of both their kids and their husbands. Where are their needs being met?”

Jana estimates that the envy is further fueled by the cultural emphasis on celebrity motherhood in contemporary parenting. Celebrity women with those coveted post-baby bodies and all the childcare money can buy appear to “have it all” — including time to take care of themselves. Childless weekends, exercise classes four times a week, and a movie with friends are just some of the indulgences that a certain divorce can afford.

“In reality most mothers are stressed, sick and often tired. Any moment alone is usually spent cleaning up or planning for the next family escapade,” she adds.

Andrea, a married mother of two, commented on Mommyish’s Facebook that although nothing seems appealing about a family split, she relishes the time off:

My (married) friends and I talk about this all the time. I wouldn’t wish a hellish divorce on ANYONE, but I gotta admit I covet those every other child free weekends.

Star, a single mother, also commented:

I must admit, it is the best part. Free time.

Joleen, a former single mother, empathized as well:

Obviously there’s lots of different situations and it may not be ideal, but having been a single mom myself (now remarried), I occasionally do daydream about a weekend completely my own.

However divorce, just like marriage, varies, with an array of unique situations that obviously don’t accommodate such freedoms. Upon parsing out the root of such envy, even many divorced and single mothers aren’t able to partake in many of the presumed and so-called “benefits” of divorce, particularly those who are running the show on their own.

Melissa, a divorced single mother with one daughter, describes herself as “on 24/7.” Her little girl’s father is not involved in the child’s life at all and sees her only a couple of times a year. Both of Melissa’s parents play a prominent role in looking after her daughter while she logs in long days at work. With a job in public relations and social media that allows her to skip “boring PTA meetings,” Melissa appears to possess a freedom and flexibility that would appeal to some parents. Yet even though she is admittedly jealous of families with actively co-parenting fathers, Melissa feels herself at the other end of divorce envy from time to time.

“On the outside, my life does seem pretty cool. I have a fab job in NYC, get invited to tons of events, travel, date, and still manage to have a well-rounded, smart and spunky daughter. Big thanks to my mom who holds everything together when I’m not around,” she says. “Then my weekends are filled with soccer games, birthday parties, museums and crafts followed by a fancy dinner somewhere with my daughter. I’ve always included her whenever I can. She’s attended meetings, watched me negotiate deals, and dined with celeb chefs at restaurant openings.”

divorce envyEven so, between “work mode” and “mom mode,” Melissa admits that she doesn’t have much of a break herself. Despite whatever assumptions married women make about her life, she is looking to catch a moment alone just like those partnered mommies. In addition to the envy she feels for all those divorced mothers who have an involved ex, she sometimes wishes for companionship.

“The [divorced women] I do know have breaks on the weekend or weeks at a time.  I’m just envious of their ‘me time,'” she confesses. “Rarely, but sometimes, when [my daughter is] sleeping and I’m sitting on my couch with a glass of wine and the remote — I really wish that someone was sitting next to me.”

Michelle, a recently divorced mother with an 18-month-old and a 4-year-old, tells Mommyish that the one upside to her divorce “Hell” has been the time for her personal friendships and of course — a few hours of that magic “me time.” A treat that has not failed to stir up some jealousy in one married friend.

“I did have a conversation with one of my closest friends a few weeks ago that probably left her feeling a little something,” Michelle remembers. “I had shared some details about a guy I had been seeing on a very casual basis — girl talk kind of stuff. And I could tell she was feeling a little envious of the freedom and excitement of a new relationship, even though we both know it’s not going anywhere.”

Nevertheless, Michelle is very forthcoming about what her “me time” has ultimately cost her, insisting that all her childless moments do not replace the personal value she places on family. Parenting on her own hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park either.

“I’d give anything to have my family back,” attests the mother. “Parenting on my own has been the most difficult thing I could ever imagine, and something I would never choose. I’d trade this in a minute for my old life back. And I really mean it. Because at the end of the day, yeah, that stuff is new and fun, but I don’t have a partner to go through life with. When I come home at night, I’m alone with my kids. And after they go to bed, it’s just me. And all the happy hours, classes at the gym, and solo trips to TJ Maxx can’t make up for that.”

Frances, a married mother of three, echoes similiar observations on Facebook, specifically citing the “trauma” that a divorce can sometimes leave:

I would think that the trauma of a divorce isn’t worth a bit of extra free time, so no I don’t envy them. Besides, as long as you have a supportive partner that doesn’t see caring for their children as “babysitting” or “doing you a favor” then you should have no problem doing yoga 5 times a week or whatever else.

Envy for the divorced may be a simple case of the grass is always greener, but the jealousy becomes a lot more complex when examining what is actually enviable. Breaks, time off, and moments alone aren’t specific to divorce, nor is the scheduling of who gets the kids when. While not all marriages promote co-parenting, all divorces aren’t exactly an all girls weekend either. But if divorce envy is a mere instance of “schedule envy,” then perhaps modern marriage should take a page from divorce’s book.

(photo: Beijersbergen/ Shutterstock/ someecards.com)

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