Frozen Won’t Give Your Kids The Gay, No Matter How Many Fundamentalists Say It Will

frozengay __1394551956_142.196.167.223I just listened to something that I’m certain actually made me a little dumber, but bear with me while I pound my fists on this keyboard and try to form coherent thoughts. Kevin Swanson, Christian pastor and professional moron, has a lovely soundbite circulating around the Internet today. To sum it up, Disney was bought by the devil in 1984 and it’s Oscar-winning film Frozen was orchestrated by his minions to give your kids the gay. Makes sense, right? Yeah. Totally plausible.

Swanson pontificates about this genius idea with his sidekick – we’ll just call him Steve the Dolt. Here’s their epic exchange.

Kevin: You wonder sometimes, if maybe there is something very evil happening here, Steve.


Steve: Yeah. Makes you wonder.

(Both burst into laughter)

Kevin: If I was the devil, what would I do to really foul up an entire social system – and do something really, really, really evil to five and six and seven-year-olds in Christian families around America? I would buy Disney.

Totally. I’ve often thought bringing children to the land of laughter and joy is as evil as evil gets.

If I was the devil I would buy Disney in 1984. That’s what I would have done.

Why 1984? Am I missing something? Did Disney get super gay in 1984?

Yeah. And you would just throw little things in there that make sin look enticing. In fact, some of the worst sins… at least to start to indoctrinate slowly. Turn the heat up on the frog in the pan.

“Turn the heat up on the frog in the pan?” What in the hell are you talking about?

Friends, this is evil. Just evil. I wonder if people are thinking, you know – I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my five-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way. I wonder if they are just walking in and saying, “Yeah! Let’s get my five-year-old and seven-year-old indoctrinated early.”

Steve, you know they’re not… but they just don’t get up and walk out.

Here I am frantically trying to think of any bestiality references in the movie. My editor reminds me that there was a reindeer that wasn’t particularly sexy eating a carrot. Hmm.

Apparently, many Christians are up-in-arms because of what they see as a “homosexual agenda” in the movie. With her ice-powers, lead character Elsa is notably different than other people. Her parents insist she was “born that way.” Her parents teach her to conceal her differences, which leads to isolation and anxiety. All of this pressure drives her to the brink, where she can no longer take hiding her true nature anymore. She finally accepts herself at the end of the movie, singing “Let It Go” – a power ballad for the ages.

Yes Christians, I can see why teaching kids to accept themselves, embrace their differences and find happiness is a complete devil-message. Good god. Get a hobby, people.

Is it just me, or are fundamentalist Christians always consumed with “bestiality?” Homosexuality and bestiality belong in the same sentence about as much as… I can’t even think of a parallel. Point is – they don’t belong in the same sentence you morons. Get some therapy.

Do you know what the gay agenda is? Equality. Period. The end. You know who’s pushing it? Every decent human being in America.┬áTeaching our children acceptance and how to embrace their differences is not the work of the devil – and if it is, I’m on his side.

(photo: Tumblr)

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