The Mommyish Guide To Differentiating The Duggars
Ah, the Duggars. Loyal Mommyish readers know that this family is a topic close to my heart. I actually do like watching the show sometimes- the kids can be such sweethearts and it is clear they all love each other very much but of course, there is a lot to criticize too. However, it can be hard to love them or hate them if you can’t tell Jermajesty Duggar from Joshua Duggar (tricked ya there…no Jermajesty…yet). So, us helpful ladies in the Mommyish offices decided it might be a good idea for you all to have a comprehensive reference in order to tell the key adult members of the family apart (I won’t pick apart the little ones…that’s low, even for me). Behold- the Mommyish guide to differentiating the Duggars.
Joshua Duggar
The oldest kid in the Duggar clan and the first to have a creepy wedding day first kiss, Josh is starting to make a name for himself in Washington, DC in an attempt to make a go at a career in politics. If the idea of a born-and-raised misogynist having a say in any political policy makes your stomach turn, then join the club. I hate thinking of this creep making decisions about a woman’s uterus when all he has are chaste Duggar balls.
Josh, 26, is married to Anna Keller-Duggar and they already have three kids. It would appear they are making a go at out-procreating Michelle and Jim-Bob. Stay strong, Anna’s Uterus! It’s going to be a long 25 years.
Jana Duggar
(via Anna Duggar Instagram)
Jana, otherwise known as the Duggar Spinster, has somehow reached the ripe old age of 24 without having become a broodmare. She is still just a bride of Denim Jesus, living under her parent’s roof and waiting for her prince to come. I can’t help but wonder if she feels left out when she sees her younger sisters being paired off by Pimp Daddy Jim-Bob while she stays home tending to her gaggle of siblings and taking shifts as kitchen servant and laundry room attendant. I do hope she finds a man soon so her life will have some purpose and she can finally dust off that old uterus.
John-David Duggar
(via Anna Duggar Instagram)
John-David, twin brother of Jana, has the least remarkable personality of all adult Duggars. There isn’t much I can glean other than he enjoys working as a firefighter and also owns a towing company. He is basically the Duggar’s most eligible bachelor right now at 24 years old so get ready for some future Hand-Sex with some lucky young woman.
Jill Duggar-Dillard
(via Jill Duggar Instagram)
Jill may be the most newsworthy Duggar of 2014. Jill was recently married to Derick Dillard and is now pregnant with what will be the first of many future #babydillies. This is all under a shroud of suspicion that she and her betrothed participated in pre-marital Sexy Time due to the insanely fast pregnancy announcement they came out with mere weeks after their wedding. I don’t really buy it- my guess is that this wedding was timed to coincide with Jill’s fertile period for maximum immediate pregnancy potential. Yes, I have given this a great deal of thought. For now, Jill is busy registering for Fanta, waxing poetic about barfing for her baby and missing her hubby Derick during laundry time.
Jessa Duggar-Almost Seewald
(via Jessa Duggar Instagram)
Jessa holds the unofficial title of Hottest Duggar Girl and as such, has been courted by teenage Ben Seewald for the better part of the last year. They are now engaged and on the fast-track to making even more Duggar spawn. However, Jim Bob must have thought their relationship was not moving along fast enough and the Lord whispered in his ear that he could use more manual labor so now, Ben lives on the Duggar compound close to his lady and under the watchful eye of Daddy Duggar. For the most part, Jessa does not appear particularly thrilled with this arrangement as she seems perpetually annoyed by Ben and his romantic overtures but that’s ok. Her mom told her she simply needs to be prepared to lay down for Ben whenever he asks if that is what he needs from her. Saith the Lord.
Jinger Duggar
(via Jessa Duggar Instagram)
Oh, sweet Jinger (like the spice, not Ringer). The world is watching and praying for her escape. She appears constantly annoyed by her sisters and viewers have taken note of her many eye-rolls when they talk of meeting Mr. Right and their love of all things denim. She broke all of our hearts when she tried to say how much she would love living in the city and her mother swiftly corrected that statement saying that she merely wants to live close to a Wal-Mart and not in the boonies. Dream big, Jinger. We all have our hopes pinned on her eventual escape from the compound so she can write a fantastic tell-all and live her life happily in the city guzzling cups of forbidden coffee and doing nude photography.
Michelle Duggar
(via Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images)
Michelle is the original denim worshiper of the Duggar clan and has passed her savvy fashion sense on to her many daughters. Her eerily calm demeanor creeps us all out as does her slavish devotion to her husband and his sexual desires but it’s her insistence on continuing to want more pregnancies despite her near-menopausal age that really makes her stand out. She has been in the news recently for visiting a fertility specialist to see if she should have more children and also, for giving the world’s most archaic sex advice to her daughters. I do have to admit, though- I need to know what pills she might be taking to remain that calm. I only have two kids and rely on a steady drip of Cabernet so I don’t lose my mind. That aspect of her personality is worthy of admiration and study.
Jim-Bob Duggar
(via Anna Duggar Instagram)
Lastly, we have good ol’ Jim Bob “Big Daddy” Duggar. He is Lord of his family and their guide in all things spiritual, sexual and otherwise. He had a big year creepily peeping on dates for his daughter Jill and also, getting his daughter Jessa engaged and ready to breed. He believes a woman’s place is in the home and that long, curly hair is where it’s at. There are many who find him super creepy and with good reason- any man that invested in his daughter’s and their virginity is worthy of a healthy dose of side-eye.
(Images: Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images)
