breastfeeding

We Need To Deromanticize Breastfeeding, But Preferably Not Quite This Much

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Like most babies, Founds’ daughter is super-duper into nursing, and is described by Founds as taking a ‘feverish, bacchanalian delight’ in her boobs. Well, boobs isn’t actually the word she uses:

“What do the milkies taste like?” I asked, trying to understand her bliss.

She pointed to my left breast. “Cookie,” she said, in her sweet, high-pitched whisper. She pointed to my right breast. “Banana.”

Breastfeeding tip #5: There is already a nickname for boobs that ends in ‘-ies’. It is ‘boobies’, and it’s annoying enough as it is. You do not need to invent your own word for this purpose, especially not if it’s this weird.

And of course, Founds addresses every new parent’s worry: when will I be able to actually get a full night of sleep again?

In between sobs, Violet requested her milkies by their respective nicknames. “Cooookieee!” she cried plaintively. “Bannannnaaaaaaa!”

After a week of nightmarish night weaning, Violet still made 3 a.m. milk requests. But she replaced the extended sobbing sessions with a few minutes of whimpering.

“That’s mine milky, Mama,” she yowled, as I rolled out of her reach.

Breastfeeding tip #6: I’m serious about this ‘milkies’ thing. Please do not do this.

Breastfeeding tip #7: If your kid is old enough to ask to nurse by using a full sentence, then your kid is definitely more than old enough not to need night nursing sessions.

Breastfeeding tip #8: If your kids have night weaned, go give them a hug right now in gratitude for the return of sleep to your life. If they have never used the word ‘milkies’, give them two hugs.

Look, I’m not a breastfeeding expert by any stretch of the imagination, but there has to be a happy medium between pretending breastfeeding is a perfect process that’s as easy as assembling an Ikea chair, and acting like breastfeeding gives you no other choice but to be a cheddar-scented, milk-splattering, exhausted maniac. Breastfeeding, like bottle-feeding, is only what you make of it; so please don’t make it an excuse to coat the world around you in a fine mist of your bodily fluids. Your family, your friends, and your favorite sushi joint will thank you.

(image: Evgeny Atamanenko/Shutterstock)

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