Mommy Wars: Dear Super Mom, I Can’t Stand You Or Your Fancy, Homemade Cupcakes

Did you know that there’s now an entire cookbook showing you how to make intensely complicated cupcakes? The type of cupcake that takes four hours to construct and could topple into a complete mess the minute a strong wind blows. The kind of cupcake that bakeries charge $100 a dozen for, but everyone still knows that they aren’t homemade because they are just a little too perfect.

Those obnoxiously awesome cupcakes are the bane of a busy mom’s existence. I don’t understand how any woman who sleeps more than three hours a night has the time to make those damn baked goods. Please someone tell me who has the energy or opportunity to make sharks, penguins, puppies or three course meals out of cupcakes.

You find that mom and I’ll tell her, “Dear Super, No-Sleeping, Over-Achieving Mother, I’m sorry that I feel the need to dislike you simply based on your dedication to confectioners sugar. But you’re making mere mortals look bad and I think you know that. You have to be aware that everytime your child has a birthday, the rest of us glare at you and your boatload of Tupperware with disdain.”

It’s not that I’m jealous of drawers full of icing decorating tools. I’m not even sure that I’d want to hand out adorable panda-shaped deserts, but only because it would set the bar for all future birthday treats impossibly high. I mean, even if I could manage one of these recipes, there wouldn’t be a repeat act. The stars would not align to give me a random four spare hours to bake more than once per decade.

Listen, your lion cupcakes are showy. They’re like an on-side kick when your up by 14, I’m looking at you Green Bay. They’re like wearing a fur to a Fourth of July barbecue simply because you have it laying around. Those birthday treats are a slap in the face to moms who are struggling to get their kids dressed in the morning, get their families dinner at night and maybe get a load of laundry done.

I know that you’re trying to make your child’s birthday special. I mean, I get that. But kids don’t care if you slave over icing appliques for hours. It’s sugar! Dress it up anyway you want to, but they’re going to be happy with the outcome. Throw a Pixar character’s figurine on a couple of baked goods and you’re going to be everyone’s favorite mom until the next birthday comes around.

So let’s cool it with the Ace of Cakes competition, can we? Let’s fall back into simpler times, when simply providing a birthday snack, any birthday snack, was enough. Let’s put away Hello Cupcake and step away from the fondant. Please, for my sanity and the sanity of every mother out there who has to stop at the grocery store bakery at 6am to get their child’s birthday treat for daycare. Wipe that powdered sugar off your cheek, it’s going to be okay.


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