My Fear Of Miscarrying Again Is Overriding My Desire For A Baby

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Of course it could happen again. It could happen again and I might still then go on to have a full-term pregnancy. Or, it could happen again and I might learn that I’m going to have ongoing trouble carrying a baby to term. Oh, and there’s the 85 percent chance I will go on to have a healthy pregnancy without miscarrying again and it’ll all work out fine.

But I’m a worst-case scenario kind of woman. I like to prepare for the harshest outcome and be pleasantly surprised if something other than that happens. Also, my logical brain has very little control over my emotional brain. And my emotional brain is all, “Lady, you are going to go through that miscarriage shit all over again. You just wait and see.”

In therapy, I’ve talked a lot about this whole emotional brain/logical brain conundrum. I try to focus on what I know is true, but what I feel is true usually wins out. Right now, my fear of miscarrying again is absolutely winning out over my desire to have a baby. Does that mean I’m still not ready to have a baby? Or am I just scared? I honestly don’t know. My husband is wonderful and supportive and isn’t pushing me into a pregnancy I’m maybe not ready for.

So maybe I just need to wait a little longer? Or stop waiting? Or, maybe it’s just about time to tell my emotional brain to STFU and let my logical brain make this decision. I’m starting to worry if I don’t, my fears will continue to fester and loom ever larger. There are so many possible outcomes of pregnancy, each with its own set of frightening statistics. If I never push past this mental roadblock and allow myself to move forward optimistically, I’ll be stuck in “What if?”-land permanently. That’s a lose-lose situation, and both my emotional brain and my logical brain should be smart enough to know better.

You can reach Marisa on Twitter. 

(photo: sittipong / Shutterstock)

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