Let’s Buy Our Daughters Guns To Get More Twitter Followers

I just realized why the majority of my Twitter followers are either my mom or women who have profiles stating that they want me to follow back for “sexy good times.” It’s because I have NO photos to tweet of my daughter holding a gun! And my mom doesn’t even have a Twitter account! Posting pictures of your daughters holding guns on twitter is a hot new trend that I don’t get to be a part of, like posting things like “YOLO” which doesn’t sound that cool when the majority of my updates read: “I just finished folding all the laundry (yolo)”

From out pals at Jezebel:

Moved by Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan’s proud proclamation that his 10-year-old daughter has her very own pony gun, Twitter’s most prolific conservative shriekers are showing their support by posting pictures of their own young female children shooting guns. Because handing a child a deadly weapon is always a good idea.

I have never even considered buying my daughter a gun. She does have a birthday coming up very soon, and it’s not too late for me to stop considering whatever new Barbie is around to give her lifelong self-esteem issues as a present, and instead buy her a shiny new firearm to play with. She also really wants a kitten. An orange kitten. Which to me means old, used, second-hand animal shelter cat who deserves a second-chance at life, but gun! Instead of a kitten, I can get her a gun!

The article then goes on to state:

I understand that in some cases, hunting is something families do together for food. Guns can be tools. Good for families for making sure their kids know how to properly use tools they use to hunt for food.

And I also totally understand that, but in my suburb, we have this insane deer overpopulation problem which resulted in some giant deer dying in my back yard a while ago. And it smelled really, really bad. And all it resulted in was my kids crying a lot and me having to pay $400 to have a pest removal service come haul the deer carcass away, because if a deer dies on your property and you can’t bring yourself to purchase a chainsaw to slice it up into manageable 250-pound dead deer slices, you have to pay someone to come get rid of it for you. Or haul it out to the street. And then have your neighbors hate you, and your kids cry even more, and it smelled really, really bad. So instead of hunting our food, we usually buy it at the supermarket. Or we could wait for something to just die in my yard. So my daughter doesn’t need a gun for hunting. But I guess she could use it as protection!

I’m really hoping all of you lovely readers have daughters with guns and you can explain to me what I’m missing, because I sort of don’t want another cat in my house. I love cats, but hate changing littler. I’m also concerned about my daughter owning a gun because she is only going to be turning eight-years-old. Also because I don’t even really trust her to brush her teeth for the time recommended by the American Dental Association, so I’m not sure if she can be trusted with a weapon. Am I being overprotective here? More importantly, if I posted photos of my daughter and her brand new gun would I finally get Paul Ryan to follow me back on Twitter?

It’s not even the fact that these are little girls with guns, it’s any child under the age of , well, thirty. I don’t trust people with guns. Yes, I know, there are a lot of completely mature and wonderful and responsible gun owners in the world who simply just want a gun instead of a cat or a Barbie. I’ve just never been one of those people. And I don’t trust people with guns because what if I made one of them angry and they shot me in the face? I plan on making my daughter very angry when she comes home as a teenager with a hickie on her neck, so having her know how to shoot a gun may not be the best plan for my future. I suppose she could always refuse to clean the littler box for a few weeks.

(Photo: photomak/shutterstock)