The ‘Drive-By’ Birth Of The World’s Billionaire ‘Anchor Baby’ Has Me So Confused About Money

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Dasha Zhukova Roman Abramovich Billionaire BabyYou guys, I don’t even know what this headline means! That’s how expensive this headline is. Before you read this you should probably go put on your ball gown and your mink skivvies and your diamond tiara and open that bottle of Veuve you have been saving because then mayhaps you can translate this shit for the rest of us. So there is this Russian oil mogul named Roman Abramovich. He is worth 10.2 BILLION dollars.That many monies. I can’t even picture that kind of money. Like if I try super hard to picture it , it sort of ends up looking like this:


So this Russian guy, Roman, who also owns a soccer team, put his penis into this lady named Dasha Zhukova. That is her for real name. From now on, can you all call me Dasha because that is a cool as hell name and it totally fits her because you know what her jobs are? She is a magazine editor and a socialite. Some people are teachers and some people are doctors and some people are the Chuck E. Cheese mouse and she is a socialite.  So he put his penis inside her and she got pregnant and this is the second child for the couple (He has five previous children with his ex-wife) and they had been sort of living on a boat and when I say boat you may as well picture like the Love Boat or some shit because according to NY Mag this boat, named the Eclipse (So, are you keeping track because both the baby mama and the boat have cool names):

 the Eclipse — which boasts two swimming pools, two helicopter pads, a movie theater, a jacuzzi, a disco, 30 cabins, a mini-submarine, a missile defense system, and a bulletproof, armor-plated master suite decked out with lasers designed to confuse long-lens photographers


So they were living on this boat, this boat with missile defense system and LASERS. And when it was time for them to have the baby they docked it in Manhattan for $2,000 a day. And according to the NY Times by the time they end up not having their boat parked their tab will be upwards of $150,000. So they did what most normal parents do and booked a birthing suite at Roosevelt Hospital on the Upper West Side, you know, no big, just the same birthing suite Natalie Portman and Alicia Keys used and had a daughter they named Leah Lou.

Some have suggested that this drive-by birth might make Leah Lou the world’s richest anchor baby — the GOP-feared children born in the U.S. to undocumented parents — but the Daily Mail says Zhukova’s U.S. citizenship means Leah Lou would have been an American no matter where the Eclipse docked.

Reports claim the couple will be sailing away from New York with their new baby this week, possibly to go to the moon which they may own or else to Disney World to live there which they probably own or to some magical country they own where the rivers are made of champagne and they sleep on giant piles of money and do other amazing things involving money and yesterday I had to buy a new garbage disposal and it cost me $179.

(Photo: WENN/Ducktales)