STFU Parents: Parents, Please Keep Your Sex And Love Lives Off Facebook
Last week, we talked about one version (the creepy one) of a mother’s love. But you know what else can be kind of icky? Parents’ love — for each other. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of sex and love on a personal level. I’ve been in a relationship with my main squeeze for nearly a decade, and I’m grateful for the love we share. But that’s the most you’ll ever hear me talk about our relationship on social media. I tend to keep that stuff private, even in spite of the fact that it’s become extremely common for couples to profess their love for each other online. That said, there’s a difference between public love notes written by kid-free couples and notes that are written by parents. They’re all equally annoying, in my opinion, but parents have a leg up on the TMI updates due to all things love + baby.
When you’re writing love notes on Facebook as a parent, suddenly the love can be about so much more stuff that no one wants to hear about. You’ve crossed a threshold of sorts. You’ve wiped your baby’s ass together. You’ve (probably) gone through childbirth together. And those things translate into the kind of intimacy that truly doesn’t belong on social media. Young love is about mushy feelings and “I love you’s.” Parent love is about mushy diapers and “I love you’s.” Neither really deserves a place on Facebook, but the latter often takes things to another, more extreme level. Here are a few examples to show you what I mean:
1. Conception Anniversaries
Conception anniversaries started becoming popular non-holidays a couple of years ago, and they’ve really ramped up on social media since then. Where else can you unassumingly congratulate yourself for conceiving a baby than on Facebook? I like the way Jennifer confusedly asks if it’s the twins’ birthday and Emilie pops in to correct her. No, Jennifer, today is their conception day, not their birthday. DUH. Can’t you read?!
2. Medical TMI
Haaayyyy, Gina, this is really sweet and everything, but no one — and I mean no one — needs to know about Josh’s impending colonoscopy. If there’s one thing people don’t want to read about on Facebook, it’s their friends’ asses getting probed. Just because people share everything in marriage doesn’t mean they should share those things on Facebook.
3. Potty Training Love
This is like the “schmoopy” of all potty training status updates. The text exchange touched the poster so much she just had to post it on Facebook the next day for all of her and her “hubbie’s” friends to read. How great is Christian for using the potty and then falling right to sleep? And how amazing is the open communication between these two loving parents? How awesome is this family, amirite???!!!
PS: If you’re going to use “hubby,” please just spell it with a “y.” Do not get yoonique with that word.
4. Baby-Making Love
Shannon is letting her friends know that: A) She and her husband Larry have just returned from a vacation of boning in Florida, and B) They’re hoping to have brought back a baby, but obviously they won’t know for at least a few weeks, so keep an eye on Shannon’s Facebook page for updates. If she experiences any spotting, or nausea, or headaches or anything she’ll be sure to post about them. 🙂 Until then, fingers crossed!!! With the help of Facebook and fingers crossed ’round the world, Shannon and Larry will have a little souvenir from their trip in about nine months. 🙂
