being a mom

One Mom’s Struggle With Moving Forward After The Loss Of Her Child

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467231501The very first time my world came crashing down was on January 9, 1999.  On that day, my mother, my best friend, succumbed to cancer after a long battle. Although her death was expected, it was tragic nonetheless. I was grateful that she would no longer suffer but selfishly wanted her still with us. During the course of her illness, I started developing my own health anxiety. One day I was convinced I had cancer myself, another day I thought I was going to have a heart attack. There was really no rhyme or reason for any of my recurrent ailments, but it was very obvious that my mother’s illness had taken a toll on me. I obsessed about every symptom I had. I was positive that it was going to happen to me one day.

With the help of talk therapy and a very loving and supportive husband, I began to work on my issues. It wasn’t easy. I desperately wanted to start a family of my own but was unsure of whether I would be a good enough mom. I wanted a stable career and a nice little home. Most of all, I wanted to be as perfect as my mother.

Nine years later, on New Year’s Day of 2008, I awoke to a feeling of being bloated and unwell.  I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. After tears of joy and a little bit of shock, my husband and I settled in to this wonderful news. We were going to be parents. For the first few months of my pregnancy, I let my anxiety go. I felt my mother with me. She had a hand in this and would continue to bless me on my way to this wonderful journey called motherhood.

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