What Contraception Looks Like, According to Stock Photography

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Contraception is not that complicated, provided one has been taught how sex and conception works, how various forms of contraception prevent pregnancy, and that one lives in a place where access to birth control is easy, safe, and affordable. That is not the world of stock photography, though. In stock photo land, birth control is the most confusing thing in the entire world.

Stock photography is where photographers take generic seeming photos on a variety of subjects and then put them up for sale on various databases. When magazines, websites, advertisers, school flyer-producers, etc. need a photo of “businessman” or “lady carrying groceries,” they can dig through one of these databases to see what various photographers have shot on that subject. Sometimes the photos are good, more often than not, they are hilarious.

Here are just a few examples of people being confused by contraception in stock photography.

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What are these things in my hand? 

(dolgachov/iStockPhoto)

So if I take the red pill I won’t get pregnant. But if I take the blue pill I’ll be trapped in the Matrix?

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Every woman’s day planner

(designer491/iStockPhoto)

Who doesn’t write “Birth Control?” in huge letters in a notebook?

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This woman has the world’s messiest pockets

(Voyagerix/iStockPhoto)

Lipstick with no cap. Open condom not in its case. Sleeve of birth control pills. This is not a responsible way to carry any of these items! Someone find this woman and get her a purse and some baby wipes. You can’t miss her, she’ll be the one with an IUD in her ear.

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What on Earth are these magical items? 

(katielittle25/iStockPhoto)

This model is looking at her birth control pills and that condom as though they magically appeared under her pillow while she was asleep, and she’s like, “Did I just get slut-shamed by the Tooth Fairy?”

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“Oh shit, were these not breath mints?”

(katielittle25/iStockPhoto)

Apparently she just decided to eat all of the Tooth Fairy pills.

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Uh, this is a little much, guys.

(wildpixel/iStockPhoto)

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that a dude drew this.

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Martha Stewart’s birth control.

(bbstudio_aad/iStockPhoto)

Martha Stewart would press her birth control into little heart shapes and present it on reclaimed barn wood alongside a lambskin condom and a bit of tastefully wrapped erotica.

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Stock photographers leave too many open condoms lying around

(bbstudio_aad/iStockPhoto)

75 percent of contraception stock photos involve open condoms just lying all over the house. This is worse than my freshman-year roommate. (Wait, unless my roommate was actually a stock photographer. That would explain a lot.)

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Pretty sure this is ecstasy. 

(portokalis/iStockPhoto)

Don’t you just hate it when you confuse your ecstasy for birth control pills? Pro tip: Birth control pills do not have little alien faces on them.

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The red curtains are a red flag

(Adam88xx/iStockPhoto)

If your OBGYN has red damask curtains and when you ask about birth control he hands you a single, unwrapped condom, run. He is not a doctor, he is trying to Hannibal Lecter you.

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A crummy lay is effective birth control.

(vadimguzhva/iStockPhoto)

I’d be pissed too if he fell asleep before you can even get the condom open. But considering that facial hair, I think she dodged a bullet with this one.

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An unwrapped condom is a pretty shitty gift.

(bbstudio_aad/iStockPhoto)

This looks like something Jared Leto sent Margot Robbie on the set of Suicide Squad because he’s a jackass Method actor.

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This is someone’s idea of a saucy message.

(spxmp/iStockPhoto)

Man, that is one grimy-looking condom.

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#LifeGoals

(andrewsafonov/iStockPhoto)

A Chanel bag with a condom and birth control in it, and a tube of bright red lipstick? I don’t know who this lady is, but I like her style.

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