The Compliments We Give Babies Would Humiliate Adults

Babies are the most delightful humans and it’s ridiculously easy to find things to love about them. They’re each so uniquely expressive and they have the most adorable little features. Even when they’re covered in their own drool they’re still amazingly cute, and that’s because there are some things that are just better when they’re in miniature form.

An adult smothered in food or crawling around the living room with chew toys hanging out of their mouth would just be weird, but babies can make anything look awesome, and that’s why we can get away with giving them weird compliments that would be totally unacceptable were we talking to an adult. I mean, can you imagine what would happen if you complimented your mother-in-law on her soft, round belly? Let’s just say Thanksgiving dinner would never be the same.

Here are 7 other compliments we give babies that would probably humiliate adults:

1. “Oh, you have the chunkiest thighs!”

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Babies do have a adorable chunky thighs, but that’s not exactly the look grown humans are going for in the age of Thigh Gap. This compliment would most likely make someone pull up their Pinterest app and look up 31 Ways To Punch You In The Face.

2. “Aw, look at that gummy, toothless grin!”

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I lost a crown, okay? I haven’t had time to get it fixed and I’m pretty insecure about it. Fuck off!

3. “My 8-week-old has that same bald spot!”

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I’d kind of like to do a social experiment where I say this to random men on Tinder and see how long it takes them to start calling me names and threatening violence. 

4. “Those cheeks! THOSE CHEEKS! I want to squeeze them.”

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I’m sure a lot of people noticed the stunning pudginess of my cheeks at the end of my pregnancy when I was swelling faster than a water balloon on a garden hose, but thankfully none of them said it. Because I would have murdered them.

5. “Aw, look! She has back / ear / face hair.”

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My first child had a very hairy back when she was born, and it was totally hilarious and we talked about it all the time. My husband noticed a single dark hair on my upper lip one day and he will never do it again.

6. “You have the chubbiest little hands and feet!”

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You should definitely coo this at your teenager in front of all of their friends. It will go well. Trust me.

7. “Aw, your little butt is so wrinkly!”

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Add this one to the list of things that will not go well when said in the bedroom. Or outside of it, really. Or anywhere. Let’s just never go there, okay?

(Photo: Shutterstock)