Thinking Of Paying This Company $31,000 To Name Your Baby? Send Me The Cash And I’ll Set It On Fire Instead

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“We are not looking for children’s names, we create them.”

So declares the new Swedish website, erfolgswelle, who for a mere $31,000 will create a baby name for you. So much for that idea the “nothing is original” anymore. These names apparently are – and they are pricey.

“Your child will be the first one with this newly-developed first name. And probably not the last one.”

Maybe we should revisit the company’s name real quick — erfolgswelle. That inspires confidence.

“As an international naming agency, we dare to take this step: the creation of new first names for children.” They claim their “expert team” includes name developers, historians, and legal name experts,” who will do a lot of things to make sure that your money has been well spent. These things include focusing on:

  • Sound and rhythm of the first name

  • Uniqueness of the new name

  • Appearance and design of the font

  • Meaning and derivation of the word components

  • Historical and cultural family background

  • Harmony with the last name

  • Worldwide brand and language checks

OR, you could just send me your money and I’ll set it on fire for you – at no charge. Seriously, I’ll do that. I’ll record it with a Google Pro camera so you can share it with all of your friends. I’m going to start a company and call it I’ll Take Your Money And Set It On Fireâ„¢.

We have no idea what these names are, of course, because they are top secret, take a lot of work, and need to be paid for, people. But the first person willing to pay this bullshit company and then admit to the world that they’ve paid this bullshit company will get a name on the house! Did you hear that! A totally free baby name! What a deal. When is the last time you’ve heard of someone getting a totally free baby name? Oh, wait. Never mind. The answer to that would be always. Every single time a baby has been named in the history of ever, it’s been free. We clearly need to rectify that. The site says you may be chosen for the free name if you meet these requirements:

We are seeking:

  • 1 family who lives in the USA
  • Birth date of your child: up to April 30, 2015

Please only contact us about this offer if you fulfill both of these conditions. Thank you.

If only I were pregnant and had 30 grand to burn! Then my child would be special enough to get a totally made up word as his or her name for all of eternity. And with a company name like erfolgswelle, it has to be good. Or just a bunch of consonants jammed together to create a nonsense word.

God, I can’t wait until this family comes forward.

(photo: bikeriderlondon/ Shutterstock)