Management Forbids Kids From Turning Apartment Complex Into Lord Of The Flies Compound And Parents Are Pissy

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dirty naughty kidsI love to tell punk kids to get off my lawn, Rob Zombie-style as much as the next guy, but this next story gave me a bit of a pause. On one side are some parents that say this apartment complex HATES KIDS YA’LL, and on the other side are the management that say they are just trying to keep everyone safe.

Earlier this week residents at The Orchards at Cherry Creek Park apartment complex, located in Centennial, Colorado, received a notice in their monthly newsletter explaining some unorthodox new rules. According to the notice:

All children must be supervised by an adult at all times while playing outside. No sports activities, skateboarding, rollerblading, or general extracurricular activities are to take place in our community. If we see anyone violating any of the above activities or see any unsupervised children they will be sent home immediately.

Besides not understanding what the word “extracurricular” means (unless The Orchards is also a school) I don’t see what the big deal is. And apparently these new rules are needed due to some recent shenanigans on the part of the complex’s youngest tenants.

According to Barbara Briggs, the President of Team Asset Management Corp. which manages The Orchards, it isn’t safe to ride skate boards or rollerblades on the complex grounds (which should make sense to pretty much anyone who has lived in an apartment complex). She goes on to say:

“We’ve had people clipped. We’ve had people fall. They like to crawl in the dumpsters, crawl on top of the car ports, throw rocks, break windows.”

She also mentioned resident complaints regarding toys and bikes accumulating in public areas, kids swimming alone in the pool and teens engaging in “promiscuous activities” in the open. DAMN. This place sounds like a kiddie-style Sodom and Gomorrah. No wonder they are over it. If I had to deal with that I would start hating kids as much as the dads in this video.

Knowing all of this, the next dude sounds downright bananas. According to a parent who lives in the complex. who asked to be called simply “Peter,” says the new rules are SOOO UNFAIR! They are totes discriminating against families! Actually, I think they are just “discriminating” against brats, but hey! Semantics, right? He goes on to say:

“I really don’t understand what the kids can do in the summer if they cannot play. They are basically telling us that children are not welcome here, please go.”

I want to note here that according to Briggs, there are numerous parks and playgrounds just a few minutes away from the complex. To be fair, however, when I checked it out for myself on Google Maps, none of them seem to be close enough that I personally would feel safe allowing my kids to go alone. Then again my kids are all under the age of 10. These parks are still well within walking distance and I think it would be fine for a tween or teen. There is also a nearby hiking trail which you can see in the picture below, and of course Cherry Creek, which is a popular hang out area.

ScreenHunter_102 Aug. 06 12.40

This is where Peter goes seriously off the deep end. Apparently The Orchards is gonna make all these kids FAT and LAZY.

“The country is becoming obese. If we are saying no, you can’t run. You can’t do this; you can’t bicycle; we are telling them it’s okay to be obese,” Peter said. “Enjoy the sunshine. Be active. Be healthy,”


No. Just no. It isn’t the apartment complex manager’s job to make sure your kids get enough exercise.

In case you still think that the management here are a bunch of kid hating douchecanoes, they DO allow kids to skate or blade on the sidewalk that goes around the complex, which seems fair to me.

Now, I understand that the parents of kids who don’t act like they are living in Lord of the Flies might feel like they are being unjustly punished, but they can’t very well enforce the rules for some parents and not others. Like Briggs says, these rules aren’t a part of some Cruella DeVil-esque plot to make kids miserable. They are to keep everyone safe and stop the few obvious asshole kids from playing in garbage and using the elderly as skateboard ramps. And that seems more than sensible to me.

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(Photo: A Z Photography (LRPS))