7 Christmas Traditions Worse Than Elf On The Shelf

Our house is an Elf on the Shelf-free zone. That smarmy little bastard is not welcome here, nor is his (sigh) Birthday Elf compatriot. Elf on the Shelf is the epitome of a contrived holiday tradition meant to sell product (hint: if you have to write the words “Holiday Tradition” on your product’s box in order for people to know what it’s supposed to be, you have failed as a human being). And unlike, say A Charlie Brown Christmas, the Elf has no apparent redeeming value. The only kind thing I can think of to say about Elf on the Shelf is that there are a few – a very few – Christmas traditions worse than it. Here are all seven that I could think of.

1. Mistletoe

(Lisa F. Young/Shutterstock)

I don’t understand the appeal of imposing mandatory smooches on anyone unlucky enough to get caught under a sprig of this poisonous plant, and based on the number of stock photo results I can find titled some variation of “creepy guy checking his breath under mistletoe”, I’m not alone. Worse yet, the restaurant chain TGI Friday’s recently debuted an advertisement featuring mistletoe drones that targeted patrons who appeared to be couples in a small-scale version of sports stadiums’ Kiss-Cam nonsense. That ridiculous omnipresent Elf’s creepiness isn’t even in the running with this tradition – nothing says ‘Christmas cheer’ like feeling pressured to consent to romantic attention that you may or may not want!

2. Zwarte Piet

(Twitter)

Zwarte Piet is the traditional Dutch companion of Saint Nicholas, because obviously, why would Santa want reindeer what we he clearly really needs is a horrific blackface stereotype to hang out with? Somehow, in a 2013 survey, 92% of Dutch people interviewed felt that there wasn’t anything racist about Zwarte Piet, and 91% were opposed to the idea of changing the character’s appearance. I assume somewhere around 91-92% of Dutch people also need an updated glasses prescription and/or a few history lessons. Whatever else you can say about the Elf on the Shelf, at least the marketing genius who came up with him didn’t decide to make him look like a minstrel show character.

3. War on Christmas coverage

(Twitter)

One of the more recent American Christmas traditions, and mostly only honored by the Fox News crowd, although the rest of us have to hear about it every year. And if I have to suffer through Bill O’Reilly bloviating yet again about the moral perils of hearing the phrase ‘happy holidays’ from an overworked retail employee, I am going to retire to a hut in some remote part of the world that has never heard the word ‘Christmas’ before. Especially if I hear him do so after I’ve been hearing Christmas music on the radio since the middle of September. I would rather line every counter, bookshelf, and table in my house with the Elf on the Shelf’s smirking, smug little face than watch Bill-O complain about how we’re losing our Constitutional rights by not immediately erecting a nativity scene on the front steps of the city courthouse, the public library, and the state legislature every year the day after Thanksgiving.

4. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

(Twitter)

This one narrowly edges out “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” as the worst novelty Christmas song of all time. If I never hear it again, it will be too soon, although I would still rather listen all day to a YouTube playlist made up only of different covers of this song rather than hear “Christmas Shoes” ever, ever again.

Oh, and speaking of sad attempts to convert Christmas sentiment into a saleable product? Somehow, someone also managed to take this terrible song and turn it into a terrible movie, which is a way worse crime against Christmas (and humanity) than any of the garbage Bill O’Reilly generally whines about.

5. Tinsel/fake snow

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Decorating trees with tinsel and fake snow is a holiday tradition I could do without, because of the follow-up tradition of picking tinsel and fake snow out of the carpet, your sweaters, and the dog’s fur for the next eleven months. By the time you turn up every last piece, it’s time to decorate for Christmas again.

6. Caganer

(Twitter)

If you’re a parent, your nativity scene is very possibly adorned with a few extra attendants to the Christ child’s birth: three wise men, a few shepherds, Batman, a Lego astronaut, and a stuffed cat, for example. But have you ever looked at your nativity and thought, “You know what we’re missing? A little pooping guy.”

If your nativity is feces-free, you are probably not from the Catalan region of Spain, where a tiny defecating figurine, or “caganer” (literally: “the pooper”) is a standard feature of any depiction of the birth of Jesus. Traditionally, the caganer is a little Catalan peasant, but modern versions include politicians, celebrities, and pop culture icons. Nobody is quite sure why the caganer exists, but I for one am 100% certain that my house is improved by not having anything around that suggests to my children that public pooping is A-OK.

7. Yule log

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No, I don’t mean the open kind that you roast chestnuts over. The kind I mean is a special, Catalan kind of Yule log, the Caga Tió, or Tió de Nadal. Can you guess what “Caga Tió” means? If you guessed “poop log”, you are correct, and also good at detecting patterns.

The Tió de Nadal is a log with a weird face tacked on to it, that is fed a snack every night leading up to Christmas so that, on Christmas Eve, children can hit it with a stick until it poops out candy and treats. There’s even a sweet little Christmas song they sing while they mercilessly beat snacks out of it, and per Wikipedia, the translated lyrics go like this:

Shit, log,

shit nougats,

hazelnuts and cheese.

If you don’t shit well,

I’ll hit you with a stick,

shit, log!

And for some reason this doesn’t have a place in most carol books between Jingle Bells and Frosty the Snowman.

I actually happened across a really sweet comic that reconciles both the caganer and Tió de Nadal traditions, written by Benito Cerano with art by Anthony Clark. And actually, after reading this story, which is somehow both extremely poop-themed and yet very sweet, I’m willing to change my mind. Let’s keep the caganer and pooping log – they’re still somehow less annoying than the Elf on the Shelf, who, come to think of it, I’ve seen photographed in pooping poses anyway.