Boulevard Of Broken Crap: Survival Odds For Your Ten Favorite Christmas Decorations

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christmas wreath woodman's door swag cartWreath: 7/10. Like mistletoe, usually hung somewhere high up. Unlike mistletoe, will not actively murder your kids if it falls off its nail. We can all live with some pine needles and crumbled pine cones on the floor.

Gingerbread house: 3/10: If you have enough gingerbread to make the house without your kids (or you) gobbling most of it up, I’m impressed. I’m even more impressed if it survives the night with full architectural integrity. Come on, decorations should not be made of food – food is for eating. Putting delicious gingerbread and candy in front of kids and not expecting them to consume it like a horde of hormonal locusts surely violates the Geneva Convention.

Garlands: 4/10.  Anything you hang on the banister must inevitably succumb to offspring-induced entropy. I’ve never actually seen a child slide down the banister, but I have seen them sling their backpacks, coats, and sweaters over it. Synthetic greenery might survive for a little while, but an authentic ivy strand, or the traditional dried-cranberries-and-popcorn, is just asking for trouble. And possibly ants.

Glass bulbs: 3/10. Assuming they survived the year in storage intact, glass bulbs will soon become glass shards. Between the children, the household pets, and any inevitable convergences thereof, the Christmas tree in a household with under-fives is going to spend at least part of the Advent season lying on its side in a pile of ornament-corpses.

Tinsel: 1/10.  Finding corn in your toddler’s diaper is bad enough. Do you really want it to sparkle, too? I didn’t think so.

(Image 1: T.W. van Urk/Shutterstock, Image 2: Aimee Ogden)



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