100 Things That Terrify Every Parent

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shutterstock_170572688__1396024987_142.196.167.223There is simply no end to my paranoia. Almost every time I talk about this, I realize I am not alone. Of course I had been warned about “childproofing” before my kid was old enough to be mobile and climb all over everything – but I honestly wasn’t sure it would be necessary. I had heard so many stories of people not doing it, I figured it was really no big deal. Wrong.

I guess there are parents who are way less panicky than me, but basically everything you can think of has scared the living shit out of me at one point or another. Can I child proof the world? No. Have I tried? Maybe.

Here are some things that have terrified me since becoming a parent.

1. Electrical outlets.

2. Electrical outlet covers.

3. Electricity.

4. Bathtubs.

5. The combination of bathtubs and electricity.

6. Moldy bath toys.

7. Slippery baths.

8. Baths.

9. Toilet bowls.

10. Any cleaning products you would find around a toilet bowl.

11. The bathroom trash.

12. Tampon applicators.

13. Tile floors.

14. Glass shower doors.

15. Door stops.

16. Doors.

17 Door locks.

18. Any doorknobs with locks.

19. The front door.

20. Electrical cords.

21. Lamps.

22. Window blind cords.

23. Window blinds.

24. Windows without blinds.

25. Windows that open too easy.

26. Windows that are painted shut.

27. Bookshelves.

28. Chests of drawers.

29. Televisions.

30. Armoires.

31. Any piece of furniture that isn’t secured to a wall by furniture straps.

32. Furniture straps.

33. All major appliances.

34. Hot dogs.

35. Grapes.

36. Any cylindrical food.

37. Any food that isn’t cut into tiny pieces.

38. Knives.

39. Corn on the cob holders.

40. Wine openers.

41. The whole knife drawer.

42. Kitchen drawers.

43. Kitchen drawers that are not childproofed.

44. Childproofing.

45. Those alphabet magnets.

46. Stupid magnets people buy you in airports that affix the magnet to the crap novelty item with glue.

47. Any magnets.

48. Paper clips.

49. Thumb tacks.

50. Tape dispensers.

51. Office chairs.

52. Staples.

53. Staplers.

54. Paper shredders.

55. Scissors.

56. Anything in a home office.

57. Windex.

58. Bleach.

58. Clorox Clean-Up.

59. Drano.

60. Mr. Clean.

61. Oxi-Clean.

62. Any cleaning item you use to clean any surface of your house.

63. Brillo pads.

64. Dirty sponges.

64. The vacuum cleaner.

65. The Shark.

66. The litter box.

67. Cat litter.

68. Cat poop.

69. Pet food.

70. The pet’s water bowl.

71. Catnip.

72. Dog bones.

73. Dog toys.

74. Small bouncy balls.

75. Jacks.

76. Any toy the size of a quarter.

77. Quarters.

78. Dimes.

79. Nickels.

80. Pennies.

81. Paper.

82. Balloons.

83. Ribbon.

84. “Made in China.”

85. Toys that don’t mention BPA.

86. Bit pacifiers.

87. Infant pacifiers.

88. Pillows.

89. Blankets.

90. Stuffed animals.

91. Crib bumpers.

92. Mobiles.

93. Sound machines.

94. Glow worms.

95. Any toy with a battery component.

96. Robes with belts.

97. Warnings on children’s pajamas.

98. Swaddle blankets.

99. Infant hand mitts.

100. Everything else in the house I haven’t listed.

(photo: lineartestpilot/ Shutterstock)