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8 Ways To Kill Christmas With Childproofing

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An old post was circulating in the Mommyish office today about safety measures we should all employ to be certain we don’t accidentally kill our children with holiday decorations. It sent us all into a tailspin. Evidently – absolutely everything that you own is a choking hazard:

Be careful leaving tape out for a toddler or baby to get ahold of because simple Scotch tape can pose a choking hazard.

Make sure spare light bulbs for holiday lights are put up out of reach of a toddler or baby because these can present a very serious choking hazard.

Some parents elect not to even risk putting Christmas lights on the Christmas tree for fear that children will bite into the wires or suck the bulbs.

Keep all nuts like walnuts, cashews hazel nuts, pecans, Brazil nuts, and all other nuts out of children’s reach. Do not set holiday nuts in bowls out on the table. Many toddlers and babies have choked to death throughout the years on holiday nuts.

Do not paint your windows with the white snow flocking that you spray onto the windows for decoration. Many children will try to lick the windows and this can upset their stomach.

When it comes time to unwrap Christmas presents make sure your toddler or baby do not eat the wrapping paper. Many toddlers and babies like the taste of paper.

Do not use tinsel because it is a choking hazard and can create an intestinal blockage if a toddler should swallow some of it.

Do not use garland for the same reasons that you do not use tinsel. Toddlers eat odd things.

Are you terrified yet? We are. We thought we would do a little round-up of the ways you can safely decorate your homes for the holiday. Congratulations! Your stupid, ravenous child killed Christmas. Welcome to your barren holiday-scape.

1. The “Wall of Sadness” Tree

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I’m sure the woman who wrote that essay would like to remind us all that stickers are a choking hazard because they are delicious.

2. The “Littering A Tree With Toys To Keep A Child Away From It Makes No Sense” Tree

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Ruin your tree with toys. Just make sure they are all BPA-free! Your child won’t be the least bit interested in scaling this evergreen toy tower.

3. The “Post-Apocalyptic” Tree

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If you want to take the joy, color and scent of Christmas out of your tree – this one’s for you.

4. The “You Are Really Taking This Too Far” Tree

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This is a tree in a crib. With no decorations. Merry Christmas!

5. The “Nobody Likes Patchwork Quilts, Least Of All Kids” Tree

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I don’t even know what to say about this it’s so sad.

6. The “Anti-gravity” Tree

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This is creepy, right? I don’t want a levitating tree. Santa isn’t putting presents under this demon-tree.

7. The “What The Hell Is This?” Tree

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Inverted Christmas would be more fun on mushrooms. But we have kids so we don’t do hallucinogenic drugs anymore.

8. The “No Tree” Tree

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The safest holiday decorations are non-existent. While you’re at it – go ahead and take everything else out of your house that your child may scale, lick, or otherwise find irresistible.