Buying Your Small Child A Sex Toy Is Never The Lesser Of Two Evils
(Related: Talking To Your Teen About Sex Is One Thing, Using Sex Toys In Front Of Her Is Another)
The mother in question came by the concern honestly, and she wrote into Dan Savage’s advice column because she really thought the sex toy might be the safer option. You see, her 5-year-old had started sticking toys in his butt. Lots of toys. So far she has managed to retrieve all the toy trucks and action figures, but basically she is looking at an emergency room trip waiting to happen.
The mother wrote in saying she was concerned about the health risks–tearing, infection, getting fecal matter all over everything in the house–of what her 5-year-old has been doing. At this point, would it not be safer to just get him a smooth, safe, dedicated toy so he doesn’t seriously injure himself on Thomas the Tank Engine?
The answer is a resounding no. Buying a butt plug for your 5-year-old is a good way to get CPS called on you if he ever mentions it, which he probably will because he is five. Savage himself says he’s half convinced the letter writer is a fake attempt by a conservative Christian troll to trick Dan Savage into telling a woman to get a sex toy for a five-year-old.
A better idea is to talk to the kid and explain that putting random objects inside oneself is dangerous, with the possibility of taking the toys away until he stops doing that. (Even though it’s hard to baby proof things from a 5-year-old, and you’re never going to manage to lock down everything in the house that could conceivably be stuck up there.) But both Savage and childhood sex expert Amy Lang are adamant: No sex toys for small children.
Reading this column is terrifying for those of us whose children are smaller, because these are the things our children make us do! One day you’re sitting by the pool having cocktails and spending too much money on makeup, and the next thing you know you’re emailing advice columnists to ask how to deal with a small human being who won’t stop sticking toys in his butt.
Being a parent means you will never stop saying, “Is this real life?”