Cheatsgiving: How To Order A Thanksgiving Turkey If You Just Don’t Feel Like Cooking One

There are many reasons you may want to skip preparing a gigantic over eight pound bird in your oven this Thanksgiving. Maybe you are sick of always slaving over a hot stove only to end up with a bird that is dry no matter how much butter you shove in its carcass. Maybe you are hosting your first Thanksgiving and you don’t feel like your Mother-In-Law giving you the side-eye in case your turkey doesn’t come out perfectly. Or maybe last year you tackled preparing the bird yourself and you may or may not have served your toddler meat that was slightly on the pink side.

Cooking a huge bird is a daunting task. I do it every year but that is because I am old and I have been doing this awhile and usually at some point I call my mother crying and beg her to tell me if I am doing it okay. But for those of you who don’t even want to go to there this holiday season, there are many places you can just pay to prepare this turkey for you so that you can devote your energy to more important tasks, like baking pies and getting shit faced.

These places will all make a turkey for you, and they range in price from not-so-bad to I said turkey, and for this price it better be made of diamonds.

Your Local Grocery Deli Counter 

I’m using Kroger as my example, because that is just my local store. I’m not talking Whole Foods here, we’ll get to the next, but just your average grocery store that doesn’t carry things like lemon grass and ostrich meat. You can get a turkey from your local grocery for under 50 bucks, and it will usually come with a few basic side items, like gravy, stuffing and mashed potatoes. An express turkey dinner (wow that sounds depressing, they should just go ahead and call it the Single Father Special) costs $44.99 and gives you a 10-13 pound turkey, a few sides, and a package of King’s Hawaiian rolls.

 Whole Foods 

An organic whole turkey weighing between 10 – 12 pounds will run you $79.99. It also comes with a disposable roasting pan for reheating! (Oh la la )

Sam’s Club 

Sam’s Club, it’s not just for car tires or buying paper towels in bulk, you can also buy a pre-cooked turkey from them. An eight-10 pound bird will cost you $64.98.

Boston Market

Boston Market has a whole roasted turkey for $46.99. It doesn’t say how large the bird is, so I assume the standard eight to ten pounds.

Omaha Steaks  

Omaha Steaks will sell you a fully cooked bird that just needs reheating for $59.99.

Honey Baked Ham 

They don’t sell full turkeys, but they do sell a three pound turkey breast for about 30 dollars.

 Dean And Deluca 

You can order a fully cooked turkey from Dean and Deluca that you simply need to reheat. I’m sure it’s a fabulous tasting bird, and at $325 for 16 pounds it better be.

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