Cheatsgiving: How To Cook A Turkey In Under Two Hours

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This Thanksgiving, I’m cooking for a bunch of drunken idiots (who thankfully are my friends and not my children, and therefore somebody else’s mistake), and I don’t have four hours to spend basting and wringing my fingers over a turkey. I’ll be busy wrangling idiots who will likely slather their bodies in cranberry sauce or cry over nostalgic movies, so I guess it’s not all that different from supervising children. In order to cope, I’m going to utilize my favorite Thanksgiving cheat: the spatchcock. If you’re thinking something dirty about the word “spatchcock,” you need to get your head out of the gutter and start having some goddamn dignity (just kidding, we’re soul mates). Spatchcocking is the greatest method of cooking turkey, ever, for the following reasons:

  1. It’s violent.
  2. It’s called SPATCHCOCKING.
  3. It’s delicious – your turkey will be much more than a gravy boat.
  4. You’ll have a completed turkey in under two hours.

Let’s get into it.

The basic premise of spatchcocking is that you violently abuse the turkey until it lays flat on a baking sheet (this is great if you don’t own a roasting pan like a human) and then it roasts in under two hours. Martha Stewart has a great tutorial, even though she makes it sounds like you’re gingerly squeezing grapes or boobs and not putting all of your weight on a bird until you hear bones breaking.

Basically you cut the spine out of the turkey, flip her over, and then break the breast bone. This is the hardest part by far, and it’s a good idea to make your cousin do it while you stand by, taking photos instead of helping. Then you just brush it with salt, pepper, and oil, and cook for just over an hour. AN HOUR!

If you’re really fancy you can brine the turkey before spatchcocking, but it’s not necessary.

(image: pinterest)

(image: pinterest)

Now that your turkey is done in under two hours (allowing buffer time for idiotic antics, yelling at your cousin) you have tons of time to engage in a series of time honored Thanksgiving traditions, such as arguing with everyone you know or drinking bra wine in a bathroom.

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