Childrearing

Mariah Carey Has Questionable Baby Naming Logic

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The Associated Press reports on the latest celebrity baby news. Let’s carefully unpack this one. It’s a doozy!

NEW YORK — Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have revealed the names they’ve picked out for their newborn boy and girl: 

Wait for it…

Moroccan and Monroe. 

Hrm. I know this is an intensely personal decision — and this will quite possibly sound craven — but I’m beginning to wonder if celebrities shouldn’t consult with their publicists before they go ahead and choose names for their kids. I think they could greatly benefit from some hard-charging, Debi Mazar-type angrily informing them that the portion of America educated enough not to blindly follow popular culture might well find such names a source of mockery. Then again, maybe Bronx Mowgli finally set the bar so low celebrities need not fear giving their kids an unduly bizarre name.

The couple chose to name their son Moroccan Scott Cannon after the Moroccan-inspired decor of the top tier of Carey’s New York City apartment. 

Oh dear. I mean perhaps there’s a more, uh, intimate reason the child is named after this particular room [insert hookah joke here]. But naming your kid after a decorating scheme isn’t exactly going to run counter to the narrative that celebrities are shallow. At least Scott is refreshingly normal.

The couple named their daughter Monroe Cannon after Marilyn Monroe, who has inspired Carey. 

Because who among us doesn’t want our daughter to aspire to pornography and eventually commit suicide via acute barbiturate poisoning at the age of 36?

Unlike her brother, Monroe doesn’t have a middle name because Carey doesn’t have one either. 

Whoa. Did not see that coming. That’s a decidedly old-fashioned, un-PC habit to stick with. I mean, I presume this was done under the presumption that eventually her maiden name will become her middle name? Man these names are a strange combination of oddly traditional and needlessly exotic.

Now that we’ve endured my snark, here’s to hoping that these kids grow into their unusual names and Mariah and Nick defy the law of Hollywood Marriage Averages and create a happy family!