Celebrating Your Anniversary With Small Kids: Expectations Vs. Reality

I don’t have high expectations for my wedding anniversaries. I’ve never been the type to demand expensive gifts or elaborate displays of affection. Still, I always assumed anniversaries would be meaningful occasions where both my husband and I would go out of our way to make the day a bit more special. What I didn’t anticipate was how difficult it would be to get five seconds to ourselves once we had babies running around.

Here’s a look at the reality of celebrating your anniversary when you have small kids:

Expectation: You’ll wake up, greet each other with ‘happy anniversary’ and a kiss, and gaze lovingly at one another while you reminisce on years past.

Reality: Your oldest climbs into bed with you at three in the morning after a scary dream about the monsters from Monsters, Inc. She elbows you in the face and kicks your partner in the privates until four when the baby wakes all of you up. You get both kids settled just as the alarm goes off to get everyone up for work and school. You both get lost in your morning routines and you finally text your partner thirty minutes after they leave to say ‘happy anti very’ because the baby swatted the phone out of your hand and autocorrect took over.

Expectation: Your lover will surprise you with a mid-morning flower delivery.

Reality: Your lover will surprise you with a mid-morning flower delivery at the most inopportune moment of the day. They’ll arrive during an impromptu meeting or just as the daycare calls to let you know your baby is running a fever. Bonus points if one of your jealous coworkers happily lets you know how wilted the flowers look.

If you’re home, you’ll hear the doorbell just as one of your kids knocks over a full cup of milk and the sound of the doorbell will wake the baby. You’ll race to the door as he starts to cry and the milk seeps into the rug, realizing halfway there that you’re not wearing a bra after one of your boobs flops up and slaps you in the chin.

Expectation: You’ll go out for a delicious meal and a night on the town.

Reality: Your anniversary is on a Tuesday and your babysitter can’t work on a school night. You tried to find a back-up sitter, but everyone you know has plans. You’ll enjoy a crockpot meal with flameless candles while feeding the baby with your free hand. Your oldest will refuse to eat because she wanted chicken nuggets and will instead spend most of the meal blowing bubbles in her apple juice and trying to climb under the table while you threaten to send her to her room.

Expectation: After the kids go to bed, you’ll meet in the living room to exchange thoughtful gifts, talk, cuddle, and possibly slow dance to your wedding song.

Reality: Instead of sweet nothings, you’ll be whispering “Go the fuck to sleep” to yourself over and over again as your toddler gets up to use the potty, ask for water, tell you she’s not sleepy, let you know her socks are the wrong color, and ask you to find her missing blanket.

When you do finally get everyone settled and go for the gifts, you’ll be startled to find they’ve been removed from their hiding places. You’ll finally find them two weeks later under the bathroom sink with a naked Barbie doll and a half-eaten string cheese.

Expectation: You’ll have sex.

Reality: You’ll mumble something about making it up to each other when you wake up on the couch at 11:38 p.m. and you both slink off to bed to catch a few more minutes of rest before the baby wakes up for his midnight feeding. You’ll fall asleep beside each other like you have a million times before, knowing the day might not have turned out like you planned, but you’re together and that’s all that counts.

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