being a mom

I Suck As A Mother Because I Can’t Freaken’ Wait For My Kids To Go Back To School

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NBC News   is making me feel extra shitty today by showcasing asshole parents who are sad about their kids going back to school. These assholes CRY at the bus stop. When their kids have been on summer vacation they have partook in spontaneous family outings and things called “hugging days” where they would sit on the couch and watch TV and hug.

Disclaimer: I love my kids more than anything in the world.

Disclaimer: A hugging day sounds like the worst thing I could ever imagine. Unless by “hugging day” it means my husband and I naked hugging in some overpriced hotel room somewhere while someone watches the kids.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love cuddling and being affectionate with my kids. We spend many hours under blankies on the sofa or lazing about in bed in the morning before we start our day. Until one of my kids punches the other one. It’s not just the spontaneous bickering that erupts between siblings that is making me count down the days until school starts. It’s the constant noise that happens with three extra humans wandering around the house all day. It’s the fact for the last few months I’ve not taken a single uninterrupted shower without someone knocking on the door to request food, to purchase an app for the iPad, to complain about someone looking at someone “weird,” or to tell me they think the dog and the cat should get married.  It’s also the cost of feeding kids!

Disclaimer: We have a swimming pool.

Disclaimer: If you decide to purchase a house with a swimming pool or have a swimming pool installed, please leave room in your budget for an extra gazillion dollars in grocery money because swimming makes children hungrier than anything on earth and they will eat nonstop until they fall asleep. Then they will wake up and want to eat more.

Yes, I still feed them during the school year, preparing healthy breakfasts for them, packing yummy lunches, after school snacks and family dinners, but when they are off school? They eat at least ten times as much.

I adore my children. I loved having extra time with them this summer. But on Tuesday when that bus arrives and I kiss and hug them goodbye I’m going to walk home and lock my door and have a personal mom party of one. I’m going to drink coffee in peace. I’m going to bathe. Alone. I may even go extra insane and watch some daytime television that doesn’t involve magical fairies or singing vegetables.

Because even though I adore my children, it’s freaken’ time.

How will you be celebrating the first day back to school? Will you be crying at the bus stop or running through the house and doing insane things like mopping the floors without someone dragging mud in two minutes later?

( Photo: wtamas/Shutterstock)