How To Bring Your Baby To A Bar

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People hate you when you bring your baby to a bar. You don’t care. You’re a new mom with a ton a stress and damn it – you should be able to have a drink if you want. I am here to tell you that you can take your baby to the bar. But there is a very small window and certain rules apply. As a career bartender, professional drinker, and baby-haver – I feel uniquely qualified to guide you through the touchy subject of bringing your baby to the bar.

1. Baby must be small enough to hold.

Are you a baby-wearer? If you want to go to a bar with your little bundle of joy, you better be. You can not, I repeat – you can not roll up into a bar with your stroller. That’s just dumb. Nobody wants to see a stroller in a bar and you will be drawing a bunch of unwanted attention to yourself. Childfree hipsters everywhere will be clutching their ironic pearls. You want to be able to go into the bar, have a drink and chill out for a minute – possibly pretending that your life hasn’t changed drastically since you shot a tiny human out of your vagina. The best way to do this is by being as incognito as possible.

2. Baby must not be heard.

Is your small, mostly hidden baby crying now? Party’s over. If your baby starts crying, you must exit the bar immediately. Bars are places where adults go to relax, and there is nothing relaxing about the sounds of a screaming baby. Take her outside for a minute to calm her down, or if you are on some outdoor patio just walk around the block and see if that works. If it doesn’t – you’re shit out of luck.

3. Baby must not be anywhere near a smoking section.

Second-hand smoke is terribly bad for your baby, but that’s not why I’m telling you to avoid the smoking section. Don’t bring your baby to a patio of a bar where people are allowed to smoke. You are basically forcing someone to be the asshole that lights up around a baby, and that is not cool. Depending on what state you are in, there are so few places where adults can consume alcohol whilst having a cigarette. Don’t hex the smoking section with your baby.

4. Choose your bar wisely.

You’re obviously not going to be heading to a bar at night or going to some loud, crappy dive bar that is known for fist-fights and filthy bathrooms. Wearing your baby to a bar is only good for day drinking at a quiet, semi-respectable establishment.

5. Don’t give a shit what people think.

Are you in a place that serves drinks, with a quiet, probably sleeping baby on your chest? Did you choose your bar wisely? Are you being totally respectful of those around you and minding your own business? Then ignore the side-eye you may get from strangers.