Call CPS: My Kid Sprayed Bleach In His Mouth And Neither Of Us Died

By  | 

shutterstock_99950060 (1)__1403207289_142.196.167.223To say that I am a paranoid parent is an understatement; it’s something I freely acknowledge. My house is childproofed big-time. Guess what? Life is constantly teaching me little lessons, one of which is – no matter how careful you are something always comes up. It’s a rule of parenting – it will occasionally be a shit-show.

All of our cleaning agents are kept in the laundry room that the kids usually can’t access because there is a toddler door blocking it off. Also, they are kept in a high cabinet that they could never reach. I am very careful about keeping them all in there, and I often complain about my sister’s house and all the what I like to call “accessible poison.”

The other night, I was getting my kids ready to go play across the street in my sister’s back yard. I took the toddler door off the laundry room to grab my three-year-old’s shoes, put them on him and then rounded up my one-year-old to get her shoes on too. About 30 seconds after I started putting her shoes on, my son comes up to me touching his tongue in a weird way and saying, “spray.” I reacted calmly, of course.

(Me, shoving baby on the floor with only one shoe on): SPRAY? WHAT SPRAY? SPRAY WHAT? DID YOU SPRAY SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH? SHOW ME! SHOW ME RIGHT NOW!

He leads me to the laundry room and points the the Clorox Clean Up I accidentally left on the floor after I changed the trash bag earlier. I always spray a little in the bag because the laundry room is hot and moist and I ALWAYS put it back. Except for that day. Mother fucker. I resume calmly responding to the crisis:

SHIT! SHIT! I pick up the bottle to see if there are any crisis directions. There are, but they are printed so small. Damnit! What does that say? Water. Drink water. Come on honey. Drink some water. My infant is following me around the house with one shoe on. I’m running to my computer to look up the number for poison control. I find it.

Poison control.

Hi. My son sprayed bleach in his mouth. I’m not sure how much. 

Was there a nozzle on it? 


What’s it called?

Clorox Clean Up Gel. Oh, wait. Just Clorox Gel with bleach. Weird. I always buy Clorox Clean-Up. 

Can you read me the ingredients?

Sure. Can you let me find a fucking magnifying glass? Um, sure. Can you hold on? I’m running to the bathroom now so I can take off my contacts. I can’t read with them on and I’m a 41-year-old woman who still doesn’t own a pair of reading glasses. I read off all of the ingredients and tell her I’ve given him water. We conclude that since the nozzle was on probably only a very small amount actually got into his mouth. She tells me I need to make sure it doesn’t look like his face is breaking out due to a burn and to keep and eye on how he’s acting. He’s acting totally normal – but occasionally touching his tongue. He’s also now trying to grab my contact holder and drink the contact solution. What the hell?

Moral of the story – post the number to poison control on your fridge and never doubt that your child is curious enough to taste bleach.

The number for poison control for every state, 24 hours a day is 1-800-222-1222

(photo: Everett Collection/ Shutterstock)