By All Means, Ban Spongebob! But Not Because He’ll Turn Kids ‘Gay’

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spongebobYou’ll never see me standing up and demanding that we be given our Spongebob Squarepants. I will not raise a finger to save Bikini Bottom. As far as I’ concerned, it can drift away with the Wiggles.

That being said, I would never, ever, not in a million years suggest that children not be allowed to watch Spongebob because it might turn them “gay.” And I guess, this is why I’m not a psychologist with the Ukranian National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality. Obviously, I just don’t understand the dangers of a sponge and a starfish.

The Ukraine is considering censoring Spongebob, along with some of his cartoon compadres, for possible damage they might do to the youth of the country. Who has earned the ire of the critics? Here’s a small sampling of their dangerous programming.




  • SpongeBob Squarepants: “gay”
  • Teletubbies: “Deliberately aims to create subnormal (men), who spend all day in front of the television with their mouths open swallowing all types of information,” and promotes the “psychology of losers.”
  • Shrek: “containing sadism”
  • South Park: “reincarnation propaganda”
  • Japanese Anime: “A clear example of sexist propaganda”

Whew! As long as the Wild Kratts are safe, we’ll be okay in my house. Thank goodness we were never a Teletubbies family.

Of course, the commission that made these findings is just asking that we think of the children when we censor harmless cartoons. (Though I’m not saying that South Park or all Anime are appropriate for children. Obviously this is a really wide range here.) Irina Medvédeva, one of the psychologists quoted in the study, says that children 3 to 5 years old, “pull faces and make jokes in front of adults they don’t know, laugh out loud and repeat nonsense phrases in a brazen manner,” after viewing the shows.

Excuse me, I’m just trying to figure out what my daughter has been watching. She laughs, talks nonsense and pulls faces on a daily basis. That type of behavior obviously must stop! It’s oh-so-destructive in pre-school-aged children.

I have a hard time blaming anyone whose trying to do away with obnoxious children’s television. I wish I had that power all the time. Let’s not even get started on Dora, Diego and their contest yelling at everyone in our household. I know that I’ve mentioned my husband muttering, “I don’t want to say Map!” as he walks around the house before. I guess if I was subjected to too much Dora, I might make up excuses to get her booted of the air as well.

Or, you know, I would just turn off the television and let my children play.

But really guys, Spongebob is going to turn kids gay? This is what we’re coming to. This is how desperate we are to be done with Squidward and Sandy the Squirrel? No television program, cartoon or otherwise, is going to turn someone’s child gay. And it’s going to take a lot more than a couple Teletubbies to impress a “psychology of losers” on men. Though to be fair, I’m not sure the Teletubbies help anyone in that area, either.