If You Want To Give Your 1-Year-Old The Saddest Birthday Ever, Make Him A Breastmilk Cake

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My child is turning one in a week and with that will come the right of passage of launching face first into a birthday cake. We’ve been torturing the girl with other people’s birthdays and cake she couldn’t consume all year long. I can’t wait until she finally gets some satisfaction. Anyone who – barring serious dietary restrictions of course – chooses to make their child, for their first birthday, some sad cake composed of smashed bananas and breast milk basically sucks.


Damn it, give me that cake. Now. (photo: Maria Guido)

I understand not wanting to poison your child with sugar. After my son’s first birthday cake experience, we took a video of him screaming YEAHHHHHH for about 15 minutes straight. He was definitely on a sugar high. Maybe not stellar parenting, but who cares? He was so happy. Baby’s first sugar rush. I’m all for it.

A post I stumbled upon on a parenting message board made me think about this whole thing:

We try to be pretty healthy and I am proud to say we are almost at a year of breastfeeding, cloth diapers, baby wearing and co-sleeping/bed sharing!

I am having a hard time finding a topping to LO 1st birthday cake….I plan on doing a applesauce cake but want something other than frosting.  Was thinking of smashed bananas?  Fresh fruit?  I have a tons of frozen breast milk and not opposed to making a frosting with some if able!  Looking for suggestions!    The rest of the family/friends will get “regular” cupcakes.

Wait, everyone else gets the good stuff, but the guest of honor has to eat smashed banana cake with breast milk frosting? What kind of crap is that? You made it through a year of breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby-wearing and co-sleeping! Yay for you – you deserve a cookie. A real one, made with eggs and flour and stuff. So does your baby.

Please don’t get angry with me if your kid has dietary restrictions – this post is not about you. It’s about those parents so hell-bent on celebrating how “perfect” they are at parenting that they go out of their way to deprive their kids of some harmless fun so they can add another medal to their colossal natural-parenting-achievement wall.

Since your baby is too young to say it – I’ll do it for him. You suck.

(photo: hbtoasted.wordpress)