Baby Names

These 15 Hipster, Organic-Food Baby Names Are A Sign Of The Apocalypse

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Hipsters do the darndest things, don’t they? And I can say that because I’m pretty sure my brother is a hipster. The true sign of a hipster is when you call them a hipster, and they get very defensive and refuse to speak to you for at least a week. That’s how you know you’ve got a red-blooded American hipster on your hands, for future reference.

Besides being hip, hipsters also procreate. You may not know that you have come into contact with a hipster—if the ironic glasses didn’t tip you off—until they introduce you to their child. While I know it’s not fair to judge a book by its cover, or a hipster’s child by its name, I just can’t understand the latest baby naming trend inspired by organic foods.

Dammit, I blame it all on Gwyneth Paltrow when she named her kid after a piece of fruit. Now everyone is doing it. This is going to complicate leaving your name when you order a gluten-free, extra-virgin, locally-sourced, organic seaweed salad with a side of Kombucha at a local café—made extra confusing if your name is Kelp or Kombucha.

Think I’m joking? I unfortunately am not. I don’t live in the most hipster of areas in South Texas, but I am a stone’s throw from Austin, and my sister lives in Colorado. I can only assume that trendy organic food names are a sign of the End of Days, and #lordknows I’m ready.

You might be a hipster if you name your baby one of these top 15 farm-to-table foodie names:

1. Avocado

2. Bartlett

3. Bean

4. Berry

5. Clementine

6. Clove

7. Fennel

8. Hash

9. Kale

10. Lime

11. Olive

12. Peaches

13. Plum

14. Quinoa

15. Waldorf

(Image: Bartosz Budrewicz/Shutterstock)