We all know the real reason we take our kids trick-or-treating, right? So we can “inspect” the candy and pilfer all the good stuff for ourselves. Kids have enough candy, they don’t need ALL of it. It’s not our fault all of the full-size candy bars are “open” and therefore “dangerous”. This year, when you do your parental duty and scam the good Halloween candy off your kids, remember that kids don’t care what candy tastes like and won’t be mad when you leave them with the garbage treats. Here is all the Halloween candy they’ll get this year, ranked from best to absolute trash. Obviously these opinions are all my own, but they’re also right and true, so don’t @ me.
1. Any Full Size Halloween Candy
Finding a house that gives out full size candy is like finding the Holy Grail. Put that address in your phone, mark it on Google maps, and return every year.
Twix are perfect: a little bit of chocolate, a little bit of crunch, plus caramel. Peanut butter Twix are unacceptable, your kids can have those.
3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Reese’s are that rare candy that are almost better in fun size. Sure, you can destroy two full size cups. But wouldn’t you rather eat a bag of those delightful mini cups instead? Do not give these to your children, they won’t appreciate their beauty.
There’s something about that crispy, chewy, peanut buttery center that makes it unacceptable for children. It’ll get stuck in their teeth and they’ll get cavities, stealing them and eating them yourself is doing them a favor.
KitKat should be eaten one way and one way only, and kids just aren’t mature enough to understand that yet. I would ground my kid if I caught them eating a KitKat whole like a monster, so better to keep them out of their hands.
Snickers has whole peanuts in it, which have no place in candy. If your kids are able to eat peanuts, you can throw a few of these their way. Be charitable.
7. Dum Dums
I mean, Dum Dums are fine, I guess? But they’re far too small to make it worth the trouble of stealing them from your kids. Plus you’ll randomly get the “mystery flavor” and it’ll be some shit like lemon or something, and then you’ll be angry. You can pass on these.
8. Anything from the kid mix bag
A kid mix bag of candy can be ranked on it’s own, tbh. Steal the Lemonheads and Chewy Sweet Tarts. Everything else is unworthy of your time.
9. Dubble Bubble
Has anyone EVER had a piece of Dubble Bubble that wasn’t like trying to chew a piece of drywall? They’re always too hard, and then once it’s soft, way too sweet. Let your kids build their jaw strength on these wastes of Halloween bag space.
Dark chocolate and flaked coconut, who the fuck thought this was a good Halloween candy? There’s a reason the Mounds are always the last to be eaten, it’s strictly a desperation candy.
11. Candy Corn
I have a confession: I like candy corn. But, I recognize that it’s a very controversial candy, and as such, has no business being hoisted upon unsuspecting kids and their candy-stealing parents. Plus there are only like 4 pieces in the little bags they hand out, which is insulting, tbh.
12. Pixie Stix
Ok, Pixie Stix in general need to not be a thing. Why buy sugar-filled paper tubes when you can just let your kids eat sugar directly out of the sugar bowl? Plus they always bust open in the Halloween bags, coating everything with super fine sugar. They’re useless.
Smarties taste like chewable Tylenol. They’re all different colors but the flavors are indistinguishable, which bothers me to no end. Say no to Smarties.
Fuck Twizzlers. Red Vines for life.
15. Banana Laffy Taffy
Banana is just one of those flavors that doesn’t translate well. And banana Laffy Taffy is the worst offender. It doesn’t taste anything remotely like banana, and it’s garbage. Other flavors are acceptable if you like chewing the same piece of candy for 43 minutes.
And the absolute most garbage Halloween candy you can get…
“The Original Candy Wafer” which all taste like they were made in 1847. The fuck is a Necco Wafer, anyway? It’s like a slightly sweet communion wafer. PLUS, you can randomly get black licorice?? How can you make Necco Wafers even more offensive: hide an ass-flavored disc in the pack for unsuspecting consumers! This “candy” is an abomination and if a house tosses these into your kid’s bag this year, never return. These aren’t suitable for human or animal consumption, these are trash candy.
Alright, did your favorite candy make the list? Did I offend you secret Necco wafer lovers? Let’s fight about in the comments!
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