Resolution Week: 10 Ways I Vow Not To Lose Any Baby Weight In 2014

183867648Some family members and friends probably wonder when I’m going to lose the baby weight. Listen, it wasn’t that long ago that I had a baby. As a matter of fact, it has only been nine years and I’m pretty sue I have a jar of minced garlic that has been festering in my refrigerator for longer than that. Committing to keeping the weight on is a lot of work, but I’m here to reassure all of you new moms (Like me!) that you don’t have to go through this struggle alone. How can we vow not to lose any weight in 2014? Here are 10 ways we can make this resolution happen!

1: Cupcakes 

I’m a BIG fan (GET IT?!) of cakes. But cupcakes are better because they are smaller, hence you can eat more. On Christmas Eve, I opened the door to a delivery from my boss Megan Keane who sent me an assortment from Baked By Melissa and these cupcakes were fantastic. I’d be hard pressed to pick a favorite, so I should probably order some more so I can decide which flavor will help me keep my resolution to not lose any weight.

 2: Macaroni And Cheese 

Some of you may think I’m just trolling you guys to all post your favorite macaroni and cheese recipes (Which yes, yes I am) and Julia Sonenshein says she has the best recipe ever, which I think she bases off an Ina Garten recipe. Macaroni and Cheese may be the most perfect food on earth. It freezes well, kids love it, and it’s perfect for these dreary wintery months when we are waiting for spring to come and Game Of Thrones to return. I’ll be making mac and cheese and new mac and cheese recipes as a cornerstone of my New Year’s Resolutions.

 3: More Binge Watching Of TV Shows

I just started watching The Good Wife and I only have like 8382982 more episodes to go! There is just something so cozy and relaxing about watching a few seasons of a well-written show (especially one that features a strong female lead!) and I realize there are lots of other shows people love that I should probably start watching, like Sherlock. So, yes, you are correct, I need your suggestions about what series I can enjoy because I’m sure as hell not going to start jogging or something.

4: Foundation Garments 

In 2014, I vow to encase my fat in more scintillating undergarments. That way, in case I do eat 10 cupcakes, I can just corset all that mess in.

 5: By Making My Bed More Inviting 

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of my bedding. I vow to get some new sheets and a new feather duvet to make my bed even cozier so I won’t be tempted to do anything stupid, like get out of it and take an early morning yoga class.

6: By Getting My Lifetime On

Did you know there is a new adaptation of Flowers In The Attic airing on Lifetime on January and a Lizzie Borden movie about Lizzie Borden on January 25?  Jenni Maier from Crushable and I are basically doing nothing in January but getting ready to celebrate these occasions. I need to make themed snacks to go along with both.

 7: By Accepting Myself For Who I Am 

I’m never going to be asked to be a Victoria’s Secret model. I’m OK with that. And I have beautiful eyes and hair and teeth and I give excellent hugs to my kids.

8: More Booze 

I’m vowing to drink more in 2014. Hear me out, I have a history of alcoholism in my family so I’m one of those people who adore a cocktail on occasion, like maybe once a week. This isn’t nearly enough. I’m never going to drink two days in a row or drink in the morning (Unless it is Christmas, of course) but I need to cut down my Diet Coke consumption (because that shit is evil) and my husband is always telling me how good red wine is for people so I need to start drinking it more and stop being so scared of enjoying a glass of wine at dinner more often.

9: By continuing to make fun of POST BABY BODY HEADLINES

I had so much fun with this in 2013. From this to this to this, I will continue to make fun of all of the dumb post-baby body weightless celebrity stories.

10: By not feeling guilty when one of you talks about your 2014 diet 

I respect any woman and what she wants to do with her body and how she wants to feed it and treat it. To each their own. You can Master Cleanse or forgo carbs or run a marathon or do none of this or all of this and I will support you. I just know my 2014 plan involves cupcakes and sleeping in and sunshine and trying to eat more vegetables. I’m done with anyone who wants to diet or lose weight or get healthy, as long as I don’t have to feel bad in case I don’t.

(Image: getty images)

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