Believing in Zombies Should Really Disqualify a Person From Carrying a Gun

By  | 

It’s all well and good to want to protect one’s neighbors and preserve order and safety, but there are a few things that should really disqualify a person from patrolling the streets of American with a loaded assault rifle slung over one’s shoulder. Believing in zombies is a big one.

This week, according to CBS, a Minnesota man was arrested for firing an AR-15 in a residential neighborhood, because he said he saw a zombie. He was reportedly drunk as hell when it happened, and being drunk as shit is another thing that should preclude a person from patrolling the neighborhood with a loaded weapon.

The man was still patrolling the neighborhood with his gun when police arrived, and he did not sound particularly chagrined about having fired a gun at 5 a.m. in a residential neighborhood. He told police that he saw a zombie up the street, and that’s what he was shooting at.

Zombies are obviously entirely fictional, which means that best-case scenario, he was shooting at a shadow or a tree. Anything person-shaped walking around the neighborhood is going to be a person, not a zombie, or Santa Claus, or even an evil clown alien. (It might be a person dressed as a clown, but again, that’s a person.)

“I’m out here making sure my neighborhood is safe,” he told officers. “I didn’t see the cops, so I figured I’d do something.”

The man might have been trying to protect his neighbors, but his neighbors probably aren’t feeling much safer right now, especially since he very nearly shot one of them. A bullet he fired broke the window of a nearby house, hit the wall by the head of the bed where another man was sleeping, then ricocheted off the wall and buried itself in another. The bullet reportedly missed the head of the sleeping man by just a few inches.

CBS reports that the man’s rifle was loaded with “zombie-killing bullets,” which are a kind of novelty item, but are still totally real bullets. They’re real bullets, just tipped in green and being marketed as ideal for killing zombies.

Believing in zombies should really disqualify a person from carrying a gun, but this man was reportedly not supposed to have a gun in the first place. Last month he was convicted of making terrorist threats, and that conviction meant that he wasn’t legally allowed to have a gun at all, let alone to be patrolling the streets while armed and drunk, looking for zombies. The man’s mother told police that he had no history of mental illness.