parenting advice

Rainy Day Activities Are The Worst Because F**k Glitter

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tired mom indoors with kidsNow that fall is here and winter is on the way, parents no longer get to take their kids to the playground and sit while they play and play and play. No, now we have to come up with activities for them to do indoors. And if, like me, you are neither crafty nor energetic, you’re not going to find a whole lot of enticing options on the internet.

I just spent some time on Google, and found a ton of indoor activities that make me want to give the kids the remote and take a nap. I went to my bible of unrealistic expectations, Real Simple, and looked at their 11 Fun Things To Do On A Rainy Day:

Their first suggestion is to have an indoor treasure hunt. My, how relaxing that sounds. You mean I have to make up clues, find places to hide them, dig up something to use as a prize, and then do that over and over for the rest of the day? Perfect. We should be able to get started at around dinner time.

Next, they suggest that you and the kids make your own bubble bath, to which I say, hell no but thank you. It’s wet outside; I don’t need it to be wet inside as well. And the bubble bath recipe they provide involves,”½ cup mild liquid hand or body soap, 1 tablespoon sugar or honey, and 1 egg white.” Real Simple, you done lost your mind if you think I am combining water, honey, and eggs with small children.

If that doesn’t float your boat, then you can always create a family recipe book. Nothing could be easier! I’ll just staple together all of our take-out menus and put a bow on it. Or, how about doing a bit of indoor camping! That always sounds like fun until the kids want to make Smores over the stove, because Smores are the only reason my children go camping.

Alright. Maybe we should take it easy and invent some new games. Real Simple suggests improvising poetry or making up stories together. This sounds lovely, except for the fact that my kids would create three or four poems or stories that all included the words “poop” or “penis” and then we’d be done.

Fine, says Real Simple. The how about you deep-condition your hair? Wait, what?

You’ve been wanting to give your hair a deep treatment but just haven’t been able to get to the drugstore or salon. Walk over to the fridge to find your solution: mayonnaise. Starting at the scalp, coat strands with ½ cup mayo. Leave on for 15 minutes, then rinse thoroughly.

Nothing says “pampering” like a head full of mayonnaise. Also, I’m not sure what the kids are going to be up to while I’m covering my hair with mayo, but I guarantee you it will not be good.

At this point, at a little more than halfway through the article, I was beginning to think that Real simple did not understand my life. Until I got to suggestions seven an eight, which were to make chocolate chip cookies and organize your own film festival. Cookies and movie day? Real Simple, you do get me after all!

Surprisingly, there weren’t any craft projects on the list except for this one: hold a mini-marshmallow popping contest. Marshmallows? Popping? Sounds good! What do I need?

What you’ll need:

scissors, utility knife, markers, ruler, rubber bands, glue, tape…

I’m out.

Of course, Real Simple doesn’t forget about tea parties, that adorable indoor standard. Let me tell you, I would have a tea party with my kids and their stuffies any day of the week. We always have some fascinating conversations. (Ducky has seen some serious shit in his day, by the way. You don’t even want to know.)

Finally, Real Simple moves the focus back to mama bear and offers up another home-made spa treatment, this time a skin-softening salve made with coffee, brown sugar, and honey. Again, I don’t know how this keeps the kids occupied on a rainy day unless it involves giving them access to honey, to which I say nope. It doesn’t seem like much help to sit there massaging my legs while my kids stare at me. “Mmm…this feels so great, you guys. All of Mommy’s dead skin cells are coming right off. This is really going to help my bunions. Hey, go grab me another carton of Franzia.”

Maybe I’ll just stick with the movies and chocolate chip cookies. Thanks, Real Simple!

(Photo: Monkey Business Images / Shutterstock)