Someone Finally Understands That Bad Parents Aren’t The Enemy

shutterstock_113022904Whenever I hear a story about a child left at home alone, my heart breaks a lot. In the news we hear of the young child found wandering the street, or the neighbor who spotted a drunk parent leaving the house and uses the opportunity to call the authorities. The reporter, and probably many viewers, shake their heads and wonder, “what kind of parent would do that?”

When I see these heartbreaking stories, I never judge the parents because I assume they only did it out of some sort of necessity — they felt they had no other choice. I’d put money on the fact that most of these parents are not Don Draper pulling a trippy, ego-fueled weekend in his Madison Avenue office or self-absorbed young actress types like Megan Draper. These are probably poor people struggling to make ends meet and keep it together on a daily basis. They are not “bad” parents.

What I know from personal experience, David Tobis validates in his Time Ideas piece. These are parents that need support, not to be labeled as unfit or bad and have their children taken away from them.

But in many cities across the country, the main response by public agencies when parents have these types of problems is to place the child in long-term foster care, even though as Steve Cohen, a child-welfare expert working with the Annie E. Casey Foundation, says, ”[M]ost of the families involved with the child-welfare system are committed to their kids and are torn up by not being able to raise their kids safely.” The parents become the enemy, as opposed to an essential partner in bettering the life of the child.

I’m not condoning neglect or excusing behavior that endangers a child’s health and well-being. However I am saying that parents – even ones who behave badly – are very rarely the enemy. Like you and I they might very well want the world for their children, but they don’t have the resources or support to even know how to get there. They may be struggling with their own demons — or they may just lack access to housing, education, or childcare.

Imagine what our parenting would be like without resources to fall back on ”” like money, family, friends and connections ”” and what might be revealed if our lives were constantly scrutinized in public housing, in public hospitals, in public child care and at our child’s public school.

This is the situation for many low-income parents, often single mothers of color, whose children come to the attention of the child-welfare system. A great majority of cases involve neglect, not abuse ”” for example by leaving a child home alone, not making sure a child attends school or not having adequate housing.

I don’t need to try too hard to imagine the scenario Tobis sets up — it was part of my childhood.

My parents left my younger brother and I alone on more than one occasion before we could tie our shoe laces. I cringe thinking that if dumb luck had me think I should wander around outside our Queens apartment looking for them rather than waking up my brother and crying to him, we would have been taken away and put in foster care. Just that thought is devastating to me.

My parents did an excellent job raising us and when we were left at home it was because they had no way to pay for — or get a sitter to even show up in the middle of the night when my mother’s waitress shift overlapped with the time my father was driving his taxi cab. They did everything they could to provide for us, and yet there is no doubt we would have been taken away had our circumstances been uncovered. Tell me how that makes sense. Tobis doesn’t think it does.

It doesn’t have to be this way. In the mid-1990s, New York City had one of the worst child-welfare systems in the country, with almost 50,000 children in foster care. Today fewer than 13,000 are in foster care, with many more children remaining safely in their families with additional support to ensure that the children are well cared for, including day care, homemakers to assist with family chores, counseling and anger management for the parents, legal representation and better housing.

In the next few months, the commissioner of New York City’s Administration for Children’s Services, Ronald Richter, will implement a historic change that many parents have wanted. Every time there is a decision on whether to remove a child from his or her family, a parent advocate or community member will be present to ensure that parents’ needs are met and their rights are respected. But a new model that involves and supports parents needs to be adapted across the country. Most parents want to help their children, but at times they need the resources to do so. Involving and supporting parents is the best way to strengthen families.

I could not agree more – rather than taking away their children, involving and supporting parents is the best solution for everyone involved. It’s not always about money (as in welfare dollars), sometimes the resources they need are simply coping tools, support for addiction, or anger management.

Just the same as formula-feeders and extended nursers, struggling parents don’t need any more public shame and judgment. They need understanding that they are doing the best they can and they deserve help — not the label of “bad parents.”

(photo: luckyraccoon/Shutterstock)

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