The 2014 Pottery Barn Kids Back-To-School Catalog Is Out And I Am Already Hating

By Valerie Williams | July 23, 2014

Like most middle-class American parents, my husband and I are on a budget for the multitude of things we have to purchase every year for our kids. We splurge here and there but are careful about it and try not to do anything too crazy because, hello, they are just kids. They do not care if their pajamas are $50 and stitched together with angel hair. They will not appreciate the beauty of a $1000 custom wall mural in their bedroom. And they are fresh out of shits to give about pricey outings and chi-chi car seats. Any of the expensive things we ever do for them is usually for our own benefit and/or bragging rights. I try hard to keep this in mind when I become blinded by all the beauty of the expensive stuff marketed to parents for their little ones.

Yesterday, I received my annual reminder that my kid’s life is basically total shit- my mailbox held a glowing copy of the 2014 Pottery Barn Kids Back-to-School catalog. My yearly eye-rolling at all of the over-the-top items available for your tiny and discriminating scholar has reached it’s limits and I now feel the need to share with you all the incredible span of ridiculousness that its gilded pages hold. Gird your loins, because here it is- the worst of the worst from the 2014 Pottery Barn Kids Back-to-School catalog:

 

1. You Don’t Love Your Kids Unless You Spend $100 On Lunch Paraphernalia

Let’s add this up, Pottery Barn Kids. Bento box metal thingie with actual canvas lunchbox- $59.50. Ice packs shaped like magical forest creatures- $9. Thermos- $19.50. Oh, and don’t forget the whimsical sandwich cutter (aka, cookie cutter) for $7.50 because nothing says love like a sandwich shaped like a flower. That is $95.50 before tax and shipping, if you order online. I think I just blacked out for a second.

 

2. Doing Homework At The Kitchen Table Is For Plebes

Don’t you remember how lowly and classless you felt as a kid doing your homework at the kitchen table? You should never disrespect your child’s need for a private “learning space” replete with a $600 desk, $300 chair and more kitschy accessories than you can shake a stick at. Preferably, displayed artfully on a distressed cork board.

 

3. A $40 Mini Lazy Susan For Crayon Organization Is Just Good Sense

We are not fucking around here, parents. How else will your little Lord or Lady make their way into an Ivy League school? With crayons touching erasers and pencils?! They must be separate. You might as well take a shit inside of that $2 Target pencil box you thought would do the job. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror every day?

 

4. Disorganized Armageddon Will Happen Without This $1000 Storage Crate Monstrosity

This is the bare minimum of PBK storage systems coming in at a very reasonable $1000 (which, naturally, does not include the $50 baskets). How else do you expect your tiny prodigy to play and work at optimal speed? A basket for everything is what I always say. And you don’t really allow your children full creative control unless they can draw on it so best get those cabinets faced in chalkboard paint.

 

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