What Your Baby’s First Curse Word Says About You

Try as you might to use saccharine substitutes like “Sugar” or “Oh, fudge,” at some point, your child is going to say a bad word. Maybe they pick it up from a playmate, maybe they mimic what they hear you say when you trip over one of their zillions of toys, either way, it’s as inevitable as puberty. But there is a pecking order to profanity, and I’m here to make you feel better (or worse) about your little one’s debut expletive. Here’s what your baby’s first curse word says about you.

1. Oh, Fiddlesticks

Unless your last name is Duggar, this is not a curse word. Don’t chime in with this anecdote when chatting with the other parents at the playground unless you want to be uninvited from this year’s cookie swap.

2. Crap

Don’t beat yourself up over this one, because its not really even a bad word. At least I hope not, because if it is, 1/8 of my daily statements are inappropriate for children. Still, I would hold off on uploading a video of your sassy mouthed babe to Youtube all the same.

3. Dipshit

While not the most egregious of bad words thanks to its use of the otherwise innocuous “dip”, it is indeed a (mild) curse word. Context matters here, so you have the right to be more upset if this term is used against a sibling, rather than, say, that little dipshit Brad down the street.

4. Goddamnit

Try not to wring your hands too much over this one, I’m sure your little one will still make honor roll when the time comes. Just maybe not at a Catholic school.

5.  Douchebag

Chances are your kid has an older sibling who was kind enough to add this to their little sister’s vocabulary. If so, take the opportunity to teach your eldest a new phrase too- landline.

6. Shit

If your child is young enough, you may be able to pass this off as a mispronunciation and no one will question your parenting skills. Teach them to bend their knees when they say it and everyone will be impressed with how your baby can say “Sit!”

7. Asshole

You’re upset they’ve picked up on this one,  even though you still think you were totally justified for your language when that A-hole cut you off. And as long as you don’t make a big deal out of it, they won’t either.

8.  Fuck

If this is your child’s first swear word, I’m sure he will still turn out to be an upstanding citizen. Unless it’s his first word ever, in which case, you’re totally f*cked.

9. Motherfucker 

If this is your child’s first curse word, odds are your partner is in trouble for leaving the TV on HBO before turning it off at night. Going to put on Sesame Street and being met with Scarface makes for difficult conversations with young ones.

10. Bitch

If your child’s first curse word is bitch, then you have my condolences, along with my sincerest wish that it’s a one time deal. And if it’s not, and that utterance was directed towards you, well then, you have my permission to cancel Christmas.