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STFU Parents: Yoonique Baby Names To Avoid In 2013

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If there’s one thing we can all can count on in 2013, it’s the continued rise of absurd baby names. We’ve already taken three looks at some pretty “yoonique” names in this space, and yet the hits just keep on coming to my inbox. Several times a week I get emails with subjects like, “Horrible baby name,” “Don’t name your child this,” “The Strangest of Names,” and, “The latest in a long line of parenting fails.” (Those are all emails I’ve received over the last few days.)

Let’s face it: Today’s parents are officially obsessed with giving their children “special” or memorable names. Of course, the names may be perceived as memorably awful, or memorably unpronounceable, but no one can dispute the fact that they stand out, which seems to be the parents’ ultimate goal. It’s kind of like those Head and Shoulders commercials that warn, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Do you want your child to have an impact when he meets classmates, teachers, and employers? Well, then, name him something no one’s ever heard of or seen before. Don’t force him to rely on his personality or his natural talents; give him a name that really gets people talking! Whether they like it or not is irrelevant, because everybody knows that Rome wasn’t built in a day. His name may be yoonique now, but just wait until he’s President Jerzey or President Wrydon. Then everyone will know who the real trendsetter is!

With this sad state of affairs in mind, it’s time to highlight several more names that make me feel like day-drinking. Be they due to a confused origin (or lack thereof), scary spelling, or sheer brazenness, the following names should be avoided at all costs in 2013:

1. The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Coventree

baby names 2013

I’m not sure if Coventree is a play off the English city OR if it’s supposed to mean “a gathering of witches around a tree,” but the way Chanci (“Chance-y”? “Chauncey”?) says it’s her “final name” reminds me of those sad clips of people missing obvious answers on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” After all of the options that baby name books have to offer, Coventree has emerged as the clear winner. I think Chanci should’ve phoned a friend first.

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