10 Reasons Babies Are Better Than Teenagers

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smug baby vs bratty teenIt’s the age-old question: which is better, babies or teenagers. A lot of parents vote for tacos teens, and I can definitely see why. Teenagers are the Chia Pet of progeny world. You can’t pretty much feed em’ and then ignore en’ As long as you have a somewhat stable environment for them to live in, they’re going to thrive. And just like a Chia Pet, most teenage hairdos are just the worst, as Seth Rogan‘s teenage fro can attest to

Sponge Bob vs Seth Rogan teen fro

(Chia Pet, $15.99 at

But, as anyone who’s spent more than a couple of days with a teenager knows, the older crowd ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. As independent as teenagers can be, they are also hormonal, angst ridden, rebellious and always ready to push your buttons. And no one pushed your buttons like an angry teenager whose just been forbidden from using their iPhone for a week. Sorry, but if I wanted to be demoralized and verbally abused by someone who was also constantly asking for money, I would go see a dominatrix.

Babies might disturb your sleep, bite you when you least expect it and occasionally puke in your mouth, but I’d take that any day over the abuse I’ve witnessed some teenagers inflict on their parents. No doubt about it, babies win the “who’s-the-better-offspring” debate, hands down, and here are ten reasons why:

10. Babies aren’t embarrassed to be seen in public with you

In fact, babies don’t get embarrassed at all. I can sing in the car and eat all the couch fries I want in front of a baby, whereas a teenager would probably blind themselves from all the eye-rolling.

9. The only “latex protection” a baby needs is on the crib mattress

Don’t get me wrong, I will absolutely make sure my kids are prepared when the time comes (and not just with condoms, of course). But I know that no matter tactfully my husband and I tackle this hurdle, that is gonna be an awkward situation.

8. Babies don’t get PMS…yet

The worst parts of my teenage years always the same the days my two sisters and I would each have the monthly curse. A coincidence? I think not.

7. “The Sex Talk” is still years away

The same as condoms and birth control, this isn’t something I will try to avoid. But I don’t have to like it.

6. Two words : No Bieber

Or whatever other musical monstrosity the damn youths are listening to nowadays. Maybe I’m getting old, but seriously, everything on the Top 40 music chart sounds like the same two or three marginally-talented former Disney stars regurgitated with different levels of auto-tune. I don’t want to listen to that shit, and babies don’t get a say. Teens don’t get a say either, but babies can’t bitch about it the way a teenager can.The fact of the matter is:

5. Babies have to listen to whatever you want to listen to on the radio

Babies are easy to please. As long as you don’t DISAPPEAR FOREVER by dipping out of their line of sight for a second, babies couldn’t care less what kind of music you put on the radio. And yes, I still listen to the radio. Which brings me to…

4. Your baby won’t make fun of you for still using an AM/FM radio

So what if your friend Britney’s mom lets her play her iPod on full blast in the car. Do I look  like care? Call me old fashioned and lame, but I find the radio strangely comforting, and a baby isn’t going to spend the entire ride telling me how behind the times I am.

3. The baby might try to “borrow” your favorite shoes, but it will be adorable because babies are tiny

That shit just isn’t cute when you’re 17 and you “borrow” your mom’s favorite sweater to bar hopping in. Or at least that’s what my mom said when she banned me from her closet.

2. It’s perfectly acceptable for the baby to stare at your neighbor’s impressive rack…

…your teenage son, however? Not so much.

1. They don’t talk back

Nuff’ said

(Top Photo: /CREATISTA/Shutterstock)