Ayn Rand Parenting Is The Hot New Parenting Style You Have To Try

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Do you ever tire of the constant stream of liberal propaganda that is childhood? Everywhere you turn it’s “share your toys” and “don’t bite your friends” and “take turns”. I’m not saying that Sesame Street is Communist, but if you think that the fact that Elmo is red is a coincidence, you are naive and brainwashed.

That’s why I’ve decided to introduce a new style of parenting. One that’s less about human decency, and a little more about getting yours and sticking it to the undeserving second handers. Ayn Rand parenting, people. You’re welcome.

1. Meet Your Child’s Physical Needs

From the time your child is born to the time they can care for themselves, you are required to keep them safe, fed, and cared for. No worries, though, you’re not obligated to love them at all until they prove themselves worthy of you–the center of the universe.

2. Read Them Appropriate Bed Time Stories

None of this Rainbow Fish nonsense, okay? That just encourages your kids to give to society’s leeches. And nothing fantastical, like Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. The world isn’t fun and whimsy, it’s a cold, hard place of conformity, in which you are the only enlightened individual.  Instead, try reading Liberty Island. Here’s the blurb on the back:

“Inside is the story of a right friendly land, 
Where people were quick to lend a free hand.
With the best of intentions they passed many laws, 

To fix what they felt were quite fixable flaws.

But the fixes, they found, were too much in the end, 
For bureaus and programs and taxes they penned.

Once the lessons were learned, here’s what they knew: 
The contentment of many can’t come from the few.” 


3. Fuck Sharing

Being selfish is altruistic, not a weakness! It is not your kid’s job to provide all the hangers on of the world with toys. If someone else’s kid wasn’t strong enough to get to the Legos first, then it’s their job to deal with that weakling however they see fit. You are raising yourself a self-sufficient hero and he’s not going to grow up to be Howard Roark if you’re always limiting his dominance.

4. Teach Them How To Deal With Looters

Speaking of Howard Roark, if someone fucks with your kid’s block tower, get some C-4 and blow that shit up, Roark style. Your kid needs to learn that their wants and needs are supreme, and there’s no time like the present to start throwing epic temper tantrums when someone doesn’t acknowledge that.

5. Santa Claus Is A Fraud

Easy, since there will be no Christmas. Encourage them to, in the spirit of rational self-interest, remind the other sheeple in their Kindergarten class that the Tooth Fairy is bullshit, too.

6. Lies Are For The Weak

Never comfort your child with words like “It’s okay, sweetheart”. Instead, try something like, “I know your arm hurts because you fell. Next time you might try harder at riding that bike, kid.” If they earn a band-aid, it’s okay to give that to them. That’s meritocracy. The kids who suck at bike riding deserve to get hurt.

7. Allowances Are For Freeloaders

And we’re not raising freeloaders. If they want some free money they can get on government assistance after they’re 18 and have left home. But while they’re living under your roof, they’ll follow the rules: No work, no money. The harder you work, the more money you earn. That is an absolute truth, and your background and privilege have absolutely no effect upon this infallible truth.

8.Homeschool, Obviously.

The feds can’t touch you in your living room.

9. Emancipate Them

They actually have to emancipate themselves, but there’s really no reason for them to continue to mooch off of you after they are old enough to get a work permit. But after that they need to pay rent.

10. Teach Them To Be Rational Free Thinkers

Who believe unquestioningly in the tenets of Objectivism, just like all of the other independent free thinkers.

(Image: diez artwork/Shutterstock)