A Toddler Reviews The iPhone 6

Fantastic news today for all tech-eaters! Apple has introduced a few new products that are sure to make your parents lives easier until they break under mysterious circumstances. The iPhone 6, the iPhone 6 Plus, Apple Pay, and the Apple Watch all promise to come with exciting new boxes and bubble wrap, not to mention those fabulous chargers and earbuds that cut so nicely. Today, I am going to take you through all of the features that members of the under-five set are sure to love.

The iPhone 6 and 6 Plus (the “plus” is for extra shatter)

With 4.7 and 5.5 inch screens, you are not going to believe the number of crusty fingerprints that will fit on these larger screens. And the 6 Plus has HD, so Daniel Tiger will never be crisper, clearer, or shriller. These new iPhones are also thinner than past models, making slipping them in and out of diapers a breeze. And their larger size makes them easier to locate and store in the DVD player.

The camera on the new iPhones has been improved to include a faster phase-detection auto focus, so you no longer have to worry that your pictures of trees, your dad’s shoe, and the sky at an odd angle will come out blurry.

The iPhone 6 starts at just $199, and the 6 Plus starts at $299. It’s important to commit these numbers to memory because they will be difficult to understand later through your mother’s tears.

The Apple Watch

This is going to be even better than a pair of sunglasses. Made to be worn by grown-ups, a simple snap will remove it from an adult’s wrist while they are ignoring you and talking to their friends at the park. This watch also has a touchscreen, which is only our very favorite thing in the world. You won’t believe how quickly you can move from screen to screen, deleting your parent’s favorite apps. There’s also a second button (and you know how we feel about buttons) on the watch that will bring up a list of your parent’s contacts. Now, you can talk to Grandma any time you want.

Finally, the Apple watch also has an app that unlocks hotel room doors, which is going to come in very handy when you go to Disney next summer.

Apple Pay

Here’s where we have some complaints. Apple Pay promises to be the easiest way yet to pay for purchases like groceries, bubbles, ice cream, and games for the iPhone 6. However, Apple Pay has also promised to be more secure than a credit card because it requires a parent’s fingerprint to activate it. We are disappointed in this feature, which will only make it more difficult to download Katy Perry songs from iTunes. But on the plus side, your parents always have their phone in their hand anyway so now it will be impossible for them to say that they can’t buy you anything at the store because they “forgot their wallet.” Thanks to Apple Pay, it’ll be quicker and easier than ever for your parents to prevent those unfortunate but necessary tantrums at Target.

(iPhone photo: Twitter; Apple Watch: Twitter; Apple Pay: Twitter)