My Top 10 Anti-Resolutions For The New Year

Every year millions of people start out the new year by making New Year’s resolutions. The problem with this tradition is that the vast majority of these resolutions are unrealistic and destined to make you feel like crap when you inevitably fail and give up. I know, because I’ve done the same thing every single year since I was a teenager. But no more!

This year I am vowing NOT to make a bunch of over-reaching resolutions that I won’t keep. Instead, here is a list of anti-resolutions for 2014 to make my life a little easier.

10. Get my kids to do more around the house

Because house work sucks. It’s not child labor if they’re related to you, right?

9. Yell less

Perfect that “look” that apparently other mothers have, instead.

8. Sleep more

Because I’m lazy sometimes and sleep is awesome.

7. Be less hyperbolic

I am the most hyperbolic person in the history of humanity.

6. Eat more junk food

Anyone can make a resolution to do silly things like “eat better,” or “not have pizza for breakfast,” but it takes some serious intestinal fortitude (see what I did there?) to resolve to eat even MORE pizza for breakfast and Taco Bell (don’t judge me, they have vegetarian options, dammit!).

5. Chasing a toddler DOES count as exercise

It’s true and you know it

4. Watch more television

I do what I want

3. Continue to be too cheap and picky to take my kids to the salon

You can teach yourself pretty much anything on the Internet (even hair cutting, apparently). This is what I keep telling myself.

2. NO MORE CATS

I have four. I think I need an intervention.

1. Be less snarky

Just kidding. A day without snark is a like a day without breathing.