Anonymous Mom: My Child Is A Product Of Rape
Anonymous Mom is a column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this anonymous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity. You can read our other Anonymous Mom submissionsÂ here.
My son has bright blonde hair and beautiful clear blue eyes. Heâ€™s smart and funny. Heâ€™s got a short temperâ€”some people would say he gets it from meâ€”but is kind and compassionate.Â Heâ€™s so many wonderful things.
Heâ€™s also a child born of rape.
I was 18. Iâ€™d been dating a guy for a few weeks when we made plans for me to stay over at his apartment. It would be our first time sleeping together, and I was excited. I even brought my own condomsâ€”a condom that he removed after a few minutes because, as he joked then, â€œskin to skin or it doesnâ€™t go in.â€
I was terrified of pregnancy and STIs. That had been the bulk of my sexual educationâ€”that both of them were bound to happen if you had sex before marriage.Â I said, â€œNo, no sex without a condom.â€ I said, â€œIâ€™m not on the pill.â€ I said, â€œI donâ€™t want to get pregnant.â€ I said, â€œPlease stop.â€
When he was done, he said, â€œThank you.â€ Â I rolled away and tried not to cry. Then I rolled back to him. I didnâ€™t want to feel violated. I didnâ€™t want to feel afraid. I wanted to feel safe. Itâ€™s a paradox, to reach for those things in the person who, up until this moment, you trusted, and who yanked it all away.
Eight weeks later, the stick had a plus sign.