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Splurge Or Stupid: The 10 Most Ridiculous Items From The American Girl Catalog

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brokeAmerican Girl. It sounds so wholesome and non-threatening. So very normal and accessible. It brings to mind images of red, white and blue. Of apple pie, a tall glass of milk and a little girl’s ballet class. It makes me think of girlhood in this beautiful country of ours. I’m no marketing guru but I am sure that is what the makers of American Girl were hoping to evoke when they named their company and started churning out dolls and everything a doll could ever possibly need. What it probably doesn’t bring to mind is a maxed out credit card, a young child bawling their eyes out and a woman heading into a downward spiral questioning all of the life choices that have led her to this point.

Welcome to American Girl. Where the dolls are meticulously crafted, their outfits are pricier than your finest yoga pants and your financial security is only a few pieces of tiny doll furniture away from total ruin. My daughter got Molly from my parents for Christmas last year (yes, she is now discontinued, no I am not selling her on Ebay) and we were officially headed down the rabbit hole that is American Girl. Everything Molly needs costs major coin. Her bed is almost the same price as a toddler bed. Her clothes cost more than Gymboree. It is $10 to replace her shitty plastic glasses (I know because we lost them within a week) and if you want her to have any fun at all, be prepared to spend more on her sports equipment than your own children’s. This is a lucrative industry, no question.

That is why, as with other things I cannot afford, I will make fun of it. I have gone to The Bad Place for you and plucked from the pages of the American Girl catalog the 10 biggest wastes of money that you can buy for your new little family member. Try to hold in the contents of your stomach, everybody:

 

1. This Complete Disappointment Of A Snack Cart- $150

snack cart

via americangirl.com

I say disappointment for a few reasons. For it’s $150 price tag, I would expect it to come with some bonus Mom Snacks. That’s just good form from a company hoping to coax a mortgage payment’s worth of merchandise out of you. Also, this thing is only 20 inches high. You could buy a legit kid-sized play kitchen for less than $150 and your kid can make tiny Molly be her sous chef. I call bullshit.

2. This WTF Assortment Of Costume Designing Crapola- $275

wtf

via americangirl.com

This complete joke of a product is for the newest American Girl doll- Isabelle. It purports to combine Isabelle’s love for dancing and sewing ALL IN ONE BREATHTAKING SET!! All it does for me is combine my disdain for wasting money and my eye-rolling for making yet another female doll who is obsessed with dance class and pretty dresses. I want to see American Girl Hayley the Hockey Player.

 3. This Tent That Only Fits A Fucking Doll- $85

tent

via americangirl.com

When searching for items for this post, I came across this one and at first, dismissed it. At $85, I thought it surely must be a tent for both a real live girl AND her doll and while a little pricey, I could almost understand $85 for an actual play tent your kid can fit into. Upon reading further, my eyes widened in a mixture of horror and disbelief- this tent is JUST for a doll. But wait! It comes with it’s very own lantern THAT ACTUALLY LIGHTS UP. Forget it- this is completely reasonable.

4. This Parlor Set For A Goddamn Doll- $300

 

parlor

via americangirl.com

First of all, no 8-year old girl is going to be entertained for more than 10 minutes by sitting her doll in front of a pretend fireplace. I mean, really. “JEEVES! Fetch us some tea and scones!” said no 3rd grader, ever. There is also the matter of this PART of one room costing more than a whole actual dollhouse. More than two actual dollhouses. Let that marinate in your brain juices for a moment.

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