Childrearing

Science Mom: Amber Teething Necklaces Are Bullsh*t, Deal With It

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Q: How do you explain the fact that my baby felt better after I put one of these necklaces on her?

A: Placebo by proxy. As it turns out, your attitude and belief in the treatment you’re using may effect both your child’s attitude as well as how you perceive her behavior. Science! Pretty cool, isn’t it?

Q: But my friend said that a teething necklace completely took away her son’s teething pain. And so did my cousin!

A: That’s not a question. Also, the plural of ‘anecdote’ is ‘cool stories, bro’; not ‘scientific data’. So far, there hasn’t been any evidence amassed to suggest that teething necklaces have any effect other than placebo. And if there was a super-common molecule like succinic acid that could block pain like all-natural and highly stylish morphine, you’d better believe that pharmacy companies would be all over it like white on aspirin.

Q: So what if it doesn’t work? It makes me feel better.

While the beads on a teething necklace are probably too small to pose a choking hazard if they manage to get the thing off and try to eat it, tying something – anything – around a child’s neck is asking for trouble of a very dangerous variety. If you’re distracted for even a few moments, it would be all too easy for a baby’s necklace to get caught on the dog’s collar, on a cupboard handle, on the knob of a bureau drawer. Amber teething necklaces are a strangulation hazard with zero redeeming qualities. Much like Jian Ghomeshi.

Q: You’re mean.

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(Image: itVega/Shutterstock)

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